Judging Motives: Bad Idea!

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet famously misjudges Mr. Darcy’s motives and severs their friendship and (apparently) her best hope of marital bliss. Indeed, judging motives is the cause of many a damaged relationship. One of the best ways to improve marriages, enhance friendships, get along better with colleagues, and become more winsome when sharing the gospel is to refuse to judge motives!

Judging motives proves tricky in Pride and Prejudice

I learned this the hard way. Many years ago Clay and I were arguing about something—I don’t remember what—when in frustration I blurted, “You’re only arguing to win, and not because you really mean it.” Ouch. Yeah, I know. But at the time I believed it.

He told me I was judging motives, and I needed to think about what it would feel like if someone said that to me. He was right.

Now, I knew Scripture says not to judge motives (more on that shortly), but somehow it didn’t click that that’s what I was doing before the words came out of my mouth.

What Judging Motives Looks Like

Marital disagreements can spiral out of control when couples divine what they consider to be the “real” motives behind each other’s actions: “The only reason you don’t want to go is you hate my mother”; “You don’t care about my feelings—you just want to impress your boss”; “You didn’t forget what I asked—you wanted to spite me!”

Work and friendships provide plenty of opportunities: “You didn’t call me back because you’re avoiding me”; “She told that story to brag”; “The only reason the boss promoted him instead of me is that the boss likes kiss-ups.”

Church differences can bring out these: “The only reason you don’t agree with me is you’re too arrogant to admit I’m right”; “You believe that only because of your upbringing”; “The pastor didn’t do that because he cares about the church; he did it because it benefits him.”

What’s Wrong with Judging Motives?

Why is judging motives a bad idea?

It’s usually arrogant. Thinking that ours is the only viable position a logical person could take after hearing our dazzling explanations, and so any disagreement must be due to bad motives is, well, arrogant.

It attacks the person rather than the argument. This is a fallacy known as ad hominem, and it’s used mainly by people who’ve run out of logical arguments. It also flies in the face of Scripture’s command to use only words that build up (Eph. 4:29).

It often commits the post hoc fallacy (“after this therefore because of this”). Dismissing a person’s present beliefs as springing only from their past is akin to saying, “Every time we take Mary to the park it rains, so let’s not take Mary to the park anymore.”

It’s always hurtful. I didn’t realize how hurtful my words were until I considered how I would feel if someone said such a thing to me.

It disobeys Scripture. Scripture tells us to stop judging people based on hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5  

It’s often hypocritical. When we’re tempted to judge others’ motives, we need to examine our own motives to make sure we don’t want their motives to be bad so we’ll look better in some way.

Darcy and Elizabeth at Charlotte’s house. Illustration by Hugh Thomson, 1894. (Austen, Jane. “Pride and Prejudice.” London: George Allen, 1894.)

The Benefits of Not Judging Motives

After that argument, I worked at recognizing when I’d begun to judge people’s motives so I could slam on the brakes. A funny thing happened: I became annoyed less often because there was less to be annoyed about. My relationships hit fewer bumps. I learned to ask people to clarify their motives, and discovered new and surprising things about them. Granted, people aren’t always honest about their motives, not even with themselves. But that is their problem with the Lord.

What are some other examples of judging motives?

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Disclosure: Clicking the first image will take you to Amazon’s page for streaming the popular 1995 TV mini-series of Pride and Prejudice–free for Prime members!