Speaking the Truth in Love

My friend Moshelle Carlson gave a talk last week about speaking the truth in love to family and friends with whom we have enduring relationships. It was based on principles she learned from her training as a premarital counselor.

Rembrandt’s “Ahasuerus and Haman at the Feast of Esther,” 1660 (public domain)

It wasn’t just her insights and clear illustrations that grabbed me (though these were impressive): it was the way she hooked her points into a familiar story from the book of Esther, thus making them easy to remember. Moshelle doesn’t blog, so she let me write a summary.

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Remember God changes hearts, not you

Queen Esther was in what seemed an impossible situation. King Xerxes (also known as Ahasuerus) had signed an edict allowing the Jews’ enemies to annihilate them. She needed to talk to the king, but he hadn’t called for her in a month. To approach him without being called brought the death penalty—unless the king extended his gold scepter to her. Esther couldn’t change the heart of King Xerxes. In fact, as the story progresses, we discover that God moved invisibly behind the scenes to prepare his heart to receive her message.

If we don’t remember that only God changes hearts, we may speak too quickly because we’re trying to change someone. Or we may not speak at all because we’re convinced the situation is impossible and the person won’t listen.

Pray and perhaps fast

Before Esther approached the king, she fasted three days—she didn’t send up an arrow prayer. She asked those close to her to fast too.

Because only God changes hearts, we must pray and sometimes even fast before approaching someone. Bathing a situation in prayer causes us to rely on God to work. It also prepares us for what God might want to change in us.

Make sure the needs of the other person are met first

Dressed in royal robes, Esther stood in the palace’s glittering inner court and waited. Xerxes saw her, was pleased, and held out the gold scepter, thus sparing her life and allowing her to approach. When he asked what she wanted, she didn’t blurt everything out immediately. Instead, she asked him to a banquet where they could feast and then talk. They’d been apart a month, so they needed to reconnect before tackling a tough topic.

She invited him to a relaxing banquet. After dining, the king asked again what she wanted. Perhaps fasting had prepared her so she could sense the time wasn’t right.  She delayed answering and invited him to another banquet the next day, promising to tell the king her wish then. It was between the two banquets that God worked and prepared the king’s heart for her words. The king, unable to sleep, had a record of his reign read to him and so discovered he had never rewarded Esther’s cousin for uncovering a treacherous and treasonous plot.

When we need to speak the truth in love to someone, we should make sure their needs are met first. If the other person’s tired or feeling overworked, it’s not a good time. If either person feels rushed, the moment’s not right—speaking the truth in love requires plenty of uninterrupted time to listen, talk, clarify, and make sure there are no misunderstandings. Meeting their needs shows our intentions come from love.

Speak with love

At the second banquet, Esther waited for the king to ask her what she wanted. When she answered, she didn’t blame him or attack his decisions, even though he was the one who had signed the decree. She didn’t say, “What’s wrong is the way you listen to lame friends and then make stupid decisions!” Instead, she honored him by saying, “If it pleases you.” She respected him by explaining, “I wouldn’t have bothered you if it were just that my people had been sold into slavery.” She stated her desire simply: “Grant me my life and spare my people.” When the king asked who had endangered her life, she pointed to Haman, the instigator of the plot, but not the king.

In the same way, we need to speak to people in a loving, respectful manner, explaining the facts accurately, but without attacking, and making our requests kindly, with an “if it pleases you” attitude.

Then the king asked, “What is it, Queen Esther? What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be given you.” “If it pleases the king,” replied Esther, “let the king, together with Haman, come today to a banquet I have prepared for him.” ~Esther 5:3-4