Tag Archive for: judging

If God’s defining characteristic is supposed to be love, why would he ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac? Do God’s motives matter?

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet spurns Mr. Darcy’s marriage proposal despite his vast wealth and enviable social standing. Why? Because, she declares, Darcy had ruined the romantic prospects of her sister and the financial prospects of Mr. Wickham, and these actions are proof of “your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others.”

Mr. Darcy's motives and God's motives matter

Darcy and Elizabeth at Charlotte’s house. Illustration by Hugh Thomson, 1894. (Austen, Jane. “Pride and Prejudice.” London: George Allen, 1894.)

The next day, however, she learns Darcy’s motives. He had discouraged his friend from courting her sister mostly because she seemed indifferent towards the young man—and an embarrassed Elizabeth recalls she had been warned her sister was too guarded! More mortifying was the news that Wickham had rejected the clergyman livelihood he claimed Darcy had denied him, requesting and receiving money instead, and when he had gambled that away, had tried to elope with Darcy’s fifteen-year-old sister to snag her inheritance. Only then do past discrepancies in Wickham’s actions come clear to her. “‘How despicably have I acted!’ she cried; ‘I, who have prided myself on my discernment! … But vanity … has been my folly. Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by the neglect of the other … I have courted … ignorance, and driven reason away, where either were concerned.’” [1]

Understanding motives can make all the difference in our judgments of others. When it comes to Abraham’s near-sacrifice of Isaac, we need to look at God’s motives, and this is something Rachel Held Evans seems to have misjudged. She echoes atheists such as Richard Dawkins by likening Abraham’s near-sacrifice of Isaac to abuse:

… it doesn’t make sense to me that a God whose defining characteristic is supposed to be love would present Himself to His creation in a way that looks nothing like our understanding of love. If love can look like abuse … everything is relativized! Our moral compass is rendered totally unreliable.

In this series, so far we’ve looked at two missing facts that clear up the story. Today we’ll look at a third: God’s motives.

God’s motives

In the story, God asks Abraham to take his son Isaac whom he loved to a mountain and offer him as a burnt offering. It was a test, we’re told. God asked tenderly: The word now in “Take now your son” (NASB) is often translated “please” and has the sense of an entreaty. Scholar Paul Copan says, “God’s directive is unusual: ‘Please take your son’ … God is remarkably gentle as he gives a difficult order. This type of divine command (as a plea) is rare.”[2] But at the moment of no return, the angel of the Lord stops him and shows him a ram to offer instead.

Why did God ask Abraham to do something he didn’t intend for him to follow through on?

The story tells us one of the motives: It was a test that proved Abraham’s devotion (Genesis 22:1, 12): “Now I know that you fear God.” It also showed God did not want humans sacrificing humans. But there are more.

God’s motives: preaching the gospel to Abraham

Galatians 3:8 tells us that in this story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac, the Scripture foresaw “that God would justify the Gentiles [non-Jews] by faith” and “preached the gospel beforehand to Abraham.” In other words,the good news of salvation was to be extended to all peoples, including the Gentiles, who would be declared righteous by God, just like Abraham, on the basis of faith.”[3]

So how did this story preach the gospel?

By portending the Father sacrificing Jesus

Abraham and Isaac were prophets.[4] Sometimes God asked prophets to be portents by performing actions that foreshadowed and explained future events (Isaiah 8:18: “Behold, I and the children whom the Lord has given me are signs and portents”). The actions were often shocking so that they would be remembered when the future event occurred, and people would recognize its significance and that it came from God.

There’s something important here that we shouldn’t miss: When Abraham began to bind Isaac, Isaac understood he was the sacrifice. He was between 15 and 30 and was stronger and faster than his elderly father, but he allowed Abraham to bind him and lay him down on the stack of wood. At this point, Isaac participated willingly.[5]

Abraham’s near sacrifice of his willing son Isaac portended the Father sacrificing his willing Son Jesus to atone for human sins.

By showing how God would fulfill his promises to Abraham

After the angel stopped Abraham from completing the sacrifice, God said, “In your offspring shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because you have obeyed my voice” (Genesis 22:18). According to Galatians 3:16 and 19, this “offspring” is Jesus, and Jesus blessed “all the nations of the earth” by dying to pay the penalty for people’s sins so that those who had faith in him could be declared righteous.

By foretelling Jesus’ substitutionary provision

Just as the Lord God substituted a ram for Isaac, so would the Lord God substitute his Son as a sacrifice for others. Rightly Abraham prophesied, “The Lord will provide” (Genesis 22:8, 14).

God’s motives: providing evidence that Jesus’ crucifixion was in his plan

God preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand so that when Jesus died and rose again, Abraham’s descendants might recognize the parallel and accept his work on the cross as from God. Jesus told the Jews, “For if you believed Moses [that is, the first five books of the Bible], you would believe me; for he wrote of me” (John 5:46). This story is one of the places that the first five books of the Bible talk about Jesus.

But the evidence wasn’t for Jews alone. God also gave this evidence so that non-Jews could see that saving humans through Jesus’ sacrifice was always God’s plan.

God’s motives: showing what his love looks like

Rachel Held Evans said, “The story of Abraham’s binding of Isaac should unsettle every parent and every person with a conscience.” I agree. The story of Abraham and Isaac should unsettle us, just as I’m sure it unsettled Abraham. That’s the point. The Passover Lamb was another sign pointing to Jesus’ sacrifice. But an animal sacrifice didn’t come near to expressing the fullness of what the Father and Son were willing to do to save humankind. Abraham’s sacrifice of Isaac does.

Evans said, “It doesn’t make sense to me that a God whose defining characteristic is supposed to be love would present Himself to His creation in a way that looks nothing like our understanding of love.”

Actually, God was demonstrating exactly what his love for sinful people looks like: The Father sending his willing Son to die for humankind’s sins. But no angel stayed the hand of the Father.

Because that’s what love looks like.

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

Do God's Motives Matter? Answering Rachel Held Evans, Part 4 Click To Tweet 'That's what love looks like!' Answering Rachel Held Evans, Part 4 Click To Tweet Abraham’s sacrifice of Isaac portended the Father sacrificing Jesus Click To Tweet

Part 5 of this series addresses other questions RHE’s post raises, such as, “Might God repeat the request?”

Related Posts
  1. [1]Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (New York: Walter J. Black), 179-198.
  2. [2]Paul Copan, Is God a Moral Monster?: Making Sense of the Old Testament God (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2011), 47.
  3. [3]Timothy George, New American Commentary – Volume 30: Galatians, (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman, 1994), WORDsearch CROSS e-book, 224.
  4. [4]Abraham is called a prophet in Genesis 20:7. Isaac received visions and divine revelations in 26:1-4, 24. Psalm 105:9, 15 calls Abraham and Isaac “anointed ones” and “prophets.”
  5. [5]Kenneth A. Matthews, New American Commentary – Volume 1b: Genesis 11:27-50:26, (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman, 2005), WORDsearch CROSS e-book, 295.

By Jean E. Jones

Is there a place at church for those of us who don’t have kids?

January 7, 2014 | Today’s Christian Woman

Recently, a woman asked, “My husband and I are childless. How do you cope with the feelings of rejection and of being a minority in the church community?” Both she and I are unable to have children, and her question brought back memories: the hurt as friends with babies bundled in blankets pulled away, the struggle to fit in at church, and the hurdles of gracefully handling ignorant and hurtful comments.

Childlessness is a growing church issue: The number of women who will never bear children has doubled in the last 30 years from 1 in 10 to almost 1 in 5 (Pew Research). In 1976, the number of childless women ages 40–44 (considered the end of childbearing years) was 580,000; by 2008, it had more than tripled to 1.9 million.

What’s causing this rise in childlessness?

ChildlessFirst, Americans are delaying marriage until they’ve achieved educational goals and financial stability. The median age for women’s first marriage is now 27, and more than half of women age 25 to 29 have never married, says the 2013 report Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America. Delaying marriage leaves fewer childbearing years in which to find a suitable husband. It also decreases a woman’s chance of having a successful pregnancy.

But the bigger reason is that more women are choosing not to have children: Among women ages 40–44, the number of voluntarily childless now equals the number who wanted children but couldn’t have them.

In TIME Magazine’s recent cover article “None Is Enough,” Lauren Sandler cites many reasons for the surge in opting to be child-free. Some non-moms say they don’t want the “bone-tired” lifestyle their mothers had “doing it all,” or never felt they were “mother material.” The financial costs in raising a child are formidable, and leaving the career track for a mommy track can cost “$1 million in lost salary, lost promotions and so on.” Women who delay marriage may develop enjoyable lifestyles they’re reluctant to give up. Society’s portrayal of all it takes to be a great mom seems unrealistic.

Whether being without offspring is voluntary or not, the biggest stress the childless face is isolation as “friends just peel off into their small domestic worlds,” Lauren says. The late 30s and early 40s are the loneliest because friends are parents, but not empty nesters.

Another strain is being judged harshly. Others assume lack of progeny is by choice, and that that choice is selfish. In the 2008 movie The Women, Sylvie (Annette Bening) says to Mary (Meg Ryan): “Do you know that’s the last impermissible thing you can say at a dinner party? That you don’t want children?” The childless feel scolded in a culture that mandates motherhood, says TIME. Unintentionally illustrating the point, Fox & Friends host Tucker Carlson responded to TIME with, “But having children means less time for vacations and spin class, where the real meaning in life resides, right? I mean, have you ever seen anything more selfish, decadent and stupid?”

Problems don’t stop at the church door. Lauren Sandler says that for some, the church community seems so “oppressively family-centric,” they abandon it.

At church as elsewhere, moms naturally seek out other moms as they look for friends not just for themselves, but for their children. Church groups for couples, singles, and women in their 30s and 40s consist almost entirely of parents who gravitate to each other to chat about potty training, children’s soccer, and teenage angst. The childless feel sidelined.

Criticisms take a spiritual edge with some arguing that procreation is God’s command, not just his blessing. Too many pronounce infertility a sign of divine disfavor, leaving women reticent to admit their situation. Controversies over the morality of fertility options make discussions seem like minefields. The result: Church feels unsafe.

Click here to read Jean’s “The Journey of Childlessness” on TodaysChristianWoman.com

But all this can be changed. Here are ways those with children can help those without feel included in the church community instead of isolated, and accepted instead of criticized.

Create opportunities for diverse friendships.

Rather than getting together with just moms your age, reach out to the childless woman. Invite her to coffee and share about your lives. Plan get-togethers that women in different life stages can enjoy and that will naturally engender conversations about more than just children: For instance, tea in an antique district gives lots to talk about. Make sure the conversation includes everyone.

Help your childless friend find a small group with a mix of ages.

Diverse groups have diverse conversations, so help your childless friend find a small group or a volunteer ministry that has women of different ages. Even better, invite her to join you in one.

Mingle families.

Invite childless couples to meals with your family and encourage your children to interact—we are incredibly grateful to the families that did this for us. If a childless couple invites you and your husband to dine at their house sans kids, if you can manage a babysitter, do get one. Their cabinets don’t have safety latches, they leave vases within toddler reach, and they could be clueless about kid-friendly menus. Go, relax, and enjoy the uninterrupted adult conversation you always say you miss.

Don’t ask why she doesn’t have children.

When someone says she doesn’t have children, don’t ask, “Why not?” It’s too personal (“Well, you see, my ovaries …”). The topic may be painful, and she wants to avoid judgment. Besides, the question emphasizes the fact she’s different. Instead, move the conversation to uncover other interesting things about her, such as her hobbies and skills.

Be a compassionate listener rather than a “fixer.”

If she shares with you why she’s childless, don’t try to fix her. If she’s struggling with infertility, listen compassionately and offer to pray, but don’t press special supplements, the “right” doctor, or the “right” way to pray.

Make Mother’s Day more comfortable.

Church on Mother’s Day can feel like an obstacle course for the childless, but you can make it more comfortable. Don’t ask women “Are you a mother?” If you don’t know them well enough to know the answer, you don’t know them well enough to ask. Don’t avoid the childless—talk to them about their week like you would any other Sunday. Don’t tell them to stand up with all the other moms because aunts and spiritual moms count too: That embarrasses her and suggests that women are less valuable if they’re not mothers.

Avoid claiming parenthood is a prerequisite to knowing love.

Comments such as “You can’t know God’s love until you have children,” and, “You don’t know how to love until you have children,” imply adults without kids can’t attain the spiritual heights of parents. Yet the childless apostle Paul knew love well enough to write 1 Corinthians 13. While God does use parenthood to teach these things, it’s not his only method. A better approach is to say, “I learned so much about God’s love for me when I had a child.”

Don’t guess God’s reasons for allowing infertility.

I’ve been told my miscarriages were due to God knowing I’d make a terrible mother and to my lacking proper faith. Ouch. Presuming to know God’s reasons for allowing infertility is like Job’s friends presuming to know why misfortune befell Job. Some such judgments are obviously untrue: Abusive mothers have children, and women who can’t bear children go on to adopt and prove to be wonderful mothers. Other judgments can’t be proven or disproven, and just drive women away. Yet remaining faithful to God through deep disappointment is one way we show faith. Show your compassion and care without guessing God’s reasons by saying, “I’m so sorry—that must be difficult for you.”

Avoid elevating child-raising to God’s highest call.

Saying that God’s highest calling for a woman is bearing or raising children tells the childless that God has a lesser call for them than for other women. Jesus said we’re to seek God’s kingdom and righteousness first (Matthew 6:33). You might say instead, “At this time in my life, my main ministry is raising my children to follow God.”

Saying that God’s highest calling for a woman is bearing or raising children tells the childless that God has a lesser call for them than for other women.

Encourage her that life can be fulfilling without children.

Jesus didn’t limit his promise of an abundant life to parents, and the Bible tells us to seek our ultimate fulfillment in God, not children (John 4:14). When a woman told Jesus his mother was blessed for having borne him, he replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it,” thus elevating knowing and obeying God’s word higher than childbearing (Luke 11:27–28). The apostle Paul wished all could be unmarried and thus childless like he so they could devote themselves to being holy in body and spirit rather than having their interests divided by family (1 Corinthians 7:7, 34).

Childless women can have a full and abundant life in Jesus. Following these tips can go a long way in helping her to not just cope in the church, but to thrive.

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In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet famously misjudges Mr. Darcy’s motives and severs their friendship and (apparently) her best hope of marital bliss. Indeed, judging motives is the cause of many a damaged relationship. One of the best ways to improve marriages, enhance friendships, get along better with colleagues, and become more winsome when sharing the gospel is to refuse to judge motives!

Judging motives in Pride and Prejudice

Judging motives proves tricky in Pride and Prejudice

I learned this the hard way. Many years ago Clay and I were arguing about something—I don’t remember what—when in frustration I blurted, “You’re only arguing to win, and not because you really mean it.” Ouch. Yeah, I know. But at the time I believed it.

He told me I was judging motives, and I needed to think about what it would feel like if someone said that to me. He was right.

Now, I knew Scripture says not to judge motives (more on that shortly), but somehow it didn’t click that that’s what I was doing before the words came out of my mouth.

What Judging Motives Looks Like

Marital disagreements can spiral out of control when couples divine what they consider to be the “real” motives behind each other’s actions: “The only reason you don’t want to go is you hate my mother”; “You don’t care about my feelings—you just want to impress your boss”; “You didn’t forget what I asked—you wanted to spite me!”

Work and friendships provide plenty of opportunities: “You didn’t call me back because you’re avoiding me”; “She told that story to brag”; “The only reason the boss promoted him instead of me is that the boss likes kiss-ups.”

Church differences can bring out these: “The only reason you don’t agree with me is you’re too arrogant to admit I’m right”; “You believe that only because of your upbringing”; “The pastor didn’t do that because he cares about the church; he did it because it benefits him.”

What’s Wrong with Judging Motives?

Why is judging motives a bad idea?

It’s usually arrogant. Thinking that ours is the only viable position a logical person could take after hearing our dazzling explanations, and so any disagreement must be due to bad motives is, well, arrogant.

It attacks the person rather than the argument. This is a fallacy known as ad hominem, and it’s used mainly by people who’ve run out of logical arguments. It also flies in the face of Scripture’s command to use only words that build up (Eph. 4:29).

It often commits the post hoc fallacy (“after this therefore because of this”). Dismissing a person’s present beliefs as springing only from their past is akin to saying, “Every time we take Mary to the park it rains, so let’s not take Mary to the park anymore.”

It’s always hurtful. I didn’t realize how hurtful my words were until I considered how I would feel if someone said such a thing to me.

It disobeys Scripture. Scripture tells us to stop judging people based on hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5  

It’s often hypocritical. When we’re tempted to judge others’ motives, we need to examine our own motives to make sure we don’t want their motives to be bad so we’ll look better in some way.

Elizabeth Bennet judging motives of Mr.Darcy

Darcy and Elizabeth at Charlotte’s house. Illustration by Hugh Thomson, 1894. (Austen, Jane. “Pride and Prejudice.” London: George Allen, 1894.)

The Benefits of Not Judging Motives

After that argument, I worked at recognizing when I’d begun to judge people’s motives so I could slam on the brakes. A funny thing happened: I became annoyed less often because there was less to be annoyed about. My relationships hit fewer bumps. I learned to ask people to clarify their motives, and discovered new and surprising things about them. Granted, people aren’t always honest about their motives, not even with themselves. But that is their problem with the Lord.

What are some other examples of judging motives?

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Disclosure: Clicking the first image will take you to Amazon’s page for streaming the popular 1995 TV mini-series of Pride and Prejudice–free for Prime members!