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Will there be Sorrow in Heaven over Unsaved Children? Part 2

In Will there be Sorrow in Heaven over Unsaved Children? Part 1, I began to address a reader’s question about sorrow in heaven over unsaved children and I listed three approaches to it that don’t work. In this post, we’ll look at the first of three consideration that shed light on the issue.

3 Helpful Considerations About Sorrow in Heaven

The first consideration pertains just to parents of adult unsaved children, while the next two in Part 3 address knowing any unsaved loved one is in hell.

1) Blood Relationships with Saved & Unsaved Children Will Change

That the question asked about a parents’ sadness over adult unsaved children is due, perhaps, to the fact that most people view parental love as the one that mourns loss most.  On earth, there are some complicating factors that make loss of children especially difficult. Some of these complicating factors will be replaced or disappear in the afterlife, and that may lessen sadness so that it becomes more like the loss of other loved ones.

a) The Instinctual Part of the Parent-Child Bond May Cease

When I was 11, I excitedly told schoolmates on the bus that our family dog, a German shorthaired pointer named Gayleene, had puppies. Two children wanted to see the puppies, so I brought them home. I opened the front door to the smell of damp fur and milk. I beckoned them to follow. But as I rounded the corner from the short hallway into the living room, I heard a roar and froze. Gayleene half rose, the four speckled puppies attached to the front of her chest dropping loose with a sucking sound while others further back kept feeding. Her roar—a mix of a howl and deep growl—emanated from her dappled chest, pulsed through her tautly stretched neck, and reverberated out her whiskered mouth opened in an “O” just below quivering nostrils. Her chocolate ears pressed back and her brown eyes bulged wild and wide.

I put out my hand to stop the others. “This isn’t a good idea,” I whispered, and they nodded, turned, and left. I shut the door and peeked back around the corner. Gayleene had lain back down and was busy nuzzling her little ones back into place so they could feed. I gingerly approached and sat in a chair not far from her while I pondered the sudden change in her personality. She ignored me, apparently not considering me a danger.

That day I learned that female animals have a strong instinct to protect their young. Later, I learned that both male and female humans generally have such an instinct, too. The Bible calls this instinct God-given and observes that ostriches have less of it (Job 39:14-17) while she-bears are ferociously endowed (Proverb 17:12).

The Mama-bear Instinct May Cease

Sorrow in heaven over unsaved children

Detail of Book of Life in “Last Judgement” by Michelangelo (Web Gallery of Art: Public Domain, Wikimedia)

Instincts are behaviors that are innate rather than learned. In fact, the Bible likens people who act on passions alone to animals who act on instinct rather than reason (2 Peter 2:12; Jude 1:10). Thus instincts seem to be part of our physical makeup—our “flesh and blood”—rather than our minds. Since “flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 15:50), I suspect that purely physical instincts that have no use in the next life will disappear with our earthly bodies.

This may include whatever is purely instinctual about the parent-child bond; for example, the mamma-bear instinct that causes parents to rush to defend their children. In humans, this protecting instinct ensures a family’s survival on earth, but such a drive is unneeded in the coming kingdom where there is no more death. If that instinct to protect our own disappears, then it would no longer drive emotions to greater heights.

b) Corruptions of Parental Love Will Cease

Although the instinctual parts of the parent-child relationship may desist, love will not, for “Love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:8).  On the other hand, certain corruptions of parental love that increase grief on earth will cease. Fire will reveal and burn these away (1 Corinthians 3:12-15):

  • The pursuit of immortality through offspring that causes the loss of an only child to also be the loss of preserving one’s memory
  • The pursuit of self-worth through being needed that results in loss of purpose when children leave or die
  • The idolizing of children that may result in abandoning God if family expectations aren’t met (Matthew 10:38)

c) A Sibling Relationship Will Replace the Parent-Child Relationship

Jesus considered blood ties to have less significance than spiritual ties (Matthew 10:37; 12:49-50). This particularly makes sense when we consider that in the kingdom of heaven our family relationships actually change, especially the parent-child relationship, because God adopts those who are born again (Romans 8:23). When someone adopts a child, her parental ties to the birth parent end.

In the kingdom of heaven, everyone will be a child of God the Father, and the earthly parent-child relationship will become a heavenly sibling relationship.

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Will There Be Sorrow in Heaven over Unsaved Children? Part 1

A reader asks about sorrow in heaven over unsaved children:

If we who are in Heaven have memory of our life back on earth, how can there be no mourning from parents who may not see their children in Heaven? But if our children are not with us in Heaven that would be a painful reminder that seems to interfere with Revelation 21:4.
Steve

The Problem of Sorrow in Heaven

This is a great question, Steve. I assume your question is about adult children since most theologians think young children are saved, as Dr. Clay Jones argues in Why Does God Allow Evil?: “Although Christians differ about whether all children will be saved, many of them, including apologists such as Norman Geisler, William Lane Craig, and Greg Koukl, have argued that all who die before the age of accountability (see Deuteronomy 1:39) will be saved” (2017: 90).

Revelation 21:4 says, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” How can there be no more mourning or crying if Christian parents in heaven remember beloved unsaved adult children?

God’s Heart on Sorrow in Heaven

Let me begin with a story. One evening our foster daughters’ rebellion discouraged my husband and me greatly. We’d poured our lives into them, we’d done everything we knew to help them, we’d sacrificed for them, but they weren’t leaving destructive ways. So my husband went walking on the hill next to our house among the frames of partially constructed homes so he could pray. With tears in his eyes, he asked, “Lord, what if these girls never come to know you?” Immediately, the words came to mind: “Then you will know the fellowship of my suffering” (Philippians 3:10). At that, we understood better what it is like for God to love those who reject him. That helped immensely.

When we talk about sorrow in heaven over lost loved ones, it’s important to remember God’s heart. He desires all to be saved (Ezekiel 18:23; 1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9). Jesus grieved over the lost (Matthew 23:37; Luke 19:41). He told us, “there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents” (Luke 15:10). The Bible describes Jesus as “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief,” which assures us that “as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too” (Isaiah 53:3; 2 Corinthians 1:5). He shares our sorrow over lost loved ones.

3 Common But Unworkable Approaches to Sorrow in Heaven

Sorrow in Heaven depicted in Last Judgement

“Last Judgment” by Michelangelo (Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons)

Here are three common approaches to this problem.

Sorrow in Heaven Approach 1: Universalism

Some argue like this: Perfect joy in heaven cannot exist if loved ones reside in hell; the Bible says there will be perfect joy in heaven; therefore, everyone must go to heaven. But universalism contradicts Jesus’ teaching about eternal punishment (Matthew 25:46) and about salvation coming only through him (John 14:6; Acts 4:12).

Sorrow in Heaven Approach 2: Memory Loss

This argument also contends that we cannot have perfect joy in heaven if loved ones are in hell, but resolves the problem by saying we won’t remember our earthly lives or even that we had children. But what would it mean for Jacob to be “gathered to his people” if he doesn’t know who “his people” are (Genesis 49:33)? Also, how can the deeds of the saved follow them (Revelation 14:13) if they don’t remember those deeds? To remember Corrie ten Boom’s faithfulness in the face of the Holocaust requires remembering the evil of the Holocaust, too.

Sorrow in Heaven Approach 3: Beatific Vision

The saved shall see God face-to-face and know him fully (1 Corinthians 13:4). We call this seeing and knowing the “beatific vision.” Particularly during the middle ages, many believed that in heaven the saved gaze and contemplate on God eternally. They’re so filled with joy that they’re unconcerned with anything else, including the lost. But Revelation 6:9-10 says “the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God” cried out, “how long before you judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on earth?” Also, in Jesus’ parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31), the rich man is in Hades, yet Abraham knows his history and talked to him over a chasm.

There you have three common approaches that don’t work. In Part 2 and Part 3, I’ll cover three considerations about sorrow in heaven that do work. Part 2 addresses just the issue of parents knowing adult children are in hell. Part 3 addresses any unsaved loved ones.

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