Tag Archive for: relationships

Today’s post is by Donna Jones


That relationship. Yeah, that one. When you began the relationship, you didn’t sign up for heartache or headaches, did you?

Oh sure, you know conflict is part of life. Everyone knows. What you didn’t know then was how deeply the spouse, child, friend, coworker, or church would wound you.

But here you are. The conflict happened. Or is happening.

The hurt is real. So is the anger. And the confusion.

Conflict and the resulting hurt, resentment, disunity, and bitterness that often accompany it, is one of the devil’s most effective tools to destroy families, friendships, churches, our inner peace, and our witness to the world.

Enter the need for forgiveness.

Years ago, my husband and I worked for a thriving church. However, when the senior pastor decided to retire things changed. Factions developed as people jockeyed for power. We ended up devastated and deeply wounded.

As a result, I struggled with anger, resentment, and forgiveness. I knew Jesus commanded me to forgive as I had been forgiven, but I wrestled with how to forgive. Frankly, my heart felt like someone had taken a giant sledgehammer and shattered it into a million pieces. I often found myself wondering, how does a fractured person extend forgiveness? 

In Matthew 6:12, Jesus taught us to pray: “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.”  In Colossians 3:13 we’re instructed to “[bear] with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Forgiveness is a hallmark of a believer’s life.

Donna Jones

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Sometimes, forgiveness can be downright hard.

One evening I tiptoed my way into vulnerability and shared my private struggle with the worship pastor’s wife. “I know God tells me to forgive, and I want to forgive because I know I should. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can.” My confession revealed guilt and shame layered like globs of icky, black tar on my broken heart.

She placed her gentle hands on my shoulders, turned me to face her, eye to eye, and looked at me with complete compassion.

“I want you to listen to me. The fact that you want to learn to forgive pleases God. He’ll show you how.”

In that moment, the process of healing and forgiveness began.

The first step to forgiving is wanting to learn how—if only because God says we should.

But perhaps you’re in a place where your wounds are so deep you don’t want to forgive. Maybe the idea of forgiveness seems unfair. Possibly the thought of forgiveness makes you mad.

May I gently place my hand on your shoulders and whisper something to you? Pray for the “want to.” Start there.

Biblically, to forgive means “to let go.” When we choose to forgive, we let go of our right to get even and we allow God to take over. We let go of our bitterness. We let go of our resentment. We let go of our propensity to bring up the past as an ongoing assault of guilt and shame.

It’s been said that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” The consequences for unforgiveness are lethal.

If we refuse to forgive, we eventually become bitter, resentful, or self-righteous people. When unforgiveness reigns unfettered, our joy, contentment, and usefulness to God die slow, painful deaths. The conflict we wish would go away lives on in our hearts, minds, and souls. Ironically, our perpetrator pays no price for the poison in our soul.

As long as we cling to unforgiveness, we remain chained to past hurt. We live enslaved, revisiting the incident in our minds over and over, wondering how to unshackle the chain.

The choice to forgive loosens the chain and sets us free.

However, the choice to forgive will feel difficult—maybe even impossible—if we falsely believe (1) that forgiveness means offering the offender a free pass to hurt us again or (2) that forgiveness means saying, “What you did to me was no big deal.”

On the contrary: forgiveness means the offense was such a big deal it cost Jesus His life.

Since forgiveness is not giving our offender a free pass to hurt us again, the choice to forgive shouldn’t be equated with the choice to trust or be reconciled. Forgiveness takes one person, but trust and reconciliation take two.

After years of working through forgiveness, here’s what I know: forgiveness is a command, forgiveness is a choice, and forgiveness is a process.

Inviting Jesus into the process of forgiveness makes it easier. After all, Jesus is the Master Forgiver. What’s more, Jesus understands betrayal, heartache, rejection, being misunderstood, physical abuse, abandonment, being despised, and false accusations, just to name a few. Our Savior is called “a man of sorrows . . . acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3 ESV). Hebrews 4:15 also tells us Jesus understands and empathizes with our human condition.

You can simply say, “Jesus, I invite You into my heartache.”

When we invite Jesus into our pain and ask Him to help us to forgive, Jesus doesn’t shame; Jesus sympathizes.

Jesus leans toward us, wraps His loving arms around us, and tenderly whispers, “I know. I’ve felt it too. I understand, and I can help.”

Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life by Donna Jones

If you find yourself struggling with the forgiveness process, picture your hand in a clenched fist. Better yet, make a fist right now. Envision the issue that wounded you—the one you know you need to forgive but can’t quite find it in your heart to do so—inside your tightly held fingers, resting on your palm. Each finger represents a reason you haven’t let go: it wasn’t fair; they got away with it; they skipped off to a new life, leaving you with their baggage; you want them to feel as badly as you do; they sinned while you tried not to; they need to make it right; you want them to pay for what they did; they treated you wrong. The list could go on.

Now, gently unfurl each finger, one by one, until the core offense lays bare.

Turn your hand over and drop the offense into the nail-scarred hands of Jesus.

That’s forgiveness.

It’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate the process of forgiveness, but don’t throw up your hands in despair and stop choosing to forgive, even if it takes time. Remember, forgiveness is both a choice and a process. If you follow God’s ways, if you invite Him into your hurt, and if you keep choosing to forgive, one day you’ll wake up with the realization that unforgiveness no longer has a hold on you. The process of forgiveness will have morphed into actual forgiveness.

The enemy’s strategy to destroy will be defeated.

And you’ll be free.


This article is an excerpt from Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a Biblical Guide for Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regret by Donna Jones (Thomas Nelson, 2024). (This is an affiliate link.)

Donna Jones is a pastor’s wife, Bible teacher, national speaker, and author who’s passionate about helping others know God’s Word so it can change their life, their relationships, and their world. Find lots of free resources at www.donnajones.org, and connect with her on Instagram @donnaajones.

Related Posts

  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

Here are the 2023 books I recommended in my monthly newsletters. The categories covered include Christian apologetics, other Christian nonfiction, fiction, children’s, and more. In case you missed any, here’s a recap.

And if you’re not receiving my newsletter, sign up in the sidebar! You’ll receive a free download plus a monthly newsletter with encouragement, book recommendations, news, and more.

March 2023 Books

The Second Sister (2023 books)
Live Your Truth and Other Lies
Biblical Theology Study Bible

The Second Sister by Marie Bostwick

A touching story by Christian author Marie Bostwick and the inspiration for the Hallmark Hall of Fame film Christmas Everlasting. I absolutely loved this book about a political campaigner who is estranged from her family. But when her sister dies, she must return to her small hometown to meet the conditions of her sister’s odd will.

Live Your Truth and Other Lies by Alisa Childers

The best-selling author of Another Gospel has turned out another great book. With gentleness and splashes of humor, Alisa tackles cultural lies head on, such as “live your truth,” “authenticity is everything,” “you shouldn’t judge,” and “you are enough.” Outstanding! My entire book club raved over this book. If you’ve been wondering how to respond to things you hear that sound a bit off, but you’re not sure why, then this is the book for you.

The Biblical Theology Study Bible, edited by D. A. Carson

In February I finished reading this fantastic study Bible. It’s hefty and I used a magnifier for most notes. But it was absolutely worth reading through the well-researched notes that trace grand biblical themes. Every book of the Bible has an introduction, outline, cross-references, text notes, and commentary notes. There are also 28 theological articles, numerous charts, and full-color illustrations. This is my favorite of all the study Bibles I’ve read.

April 2023 Books

A Sticky Inheritance (2023 books)
Person of Interest

A Sticky Inheritance by Emily James

This delightful cozy mystery is the first in a 13-part series. “When Nicole’s uncle dies and she inherits his maple syrup farm, she thinks it’s time to leave her career as a criminal defense attorney behind for a life that allows her to stay far away from murderers and liars.” But then “her uncle’s suicide looks like it wasn’t a suicide at all.” I was pleasantly surprised to find Christian themes woven throughout the series.

Person of Interest by J. Warner Wallace

“Detective and bestselling author J. Warner Wallace investigates Jesus, the most significant person in history, using an innovative and unique approach he employs to solve real missing person murder cases. Wallace carefully sifts through the evidence from history alone, without relying on the New Testament. You’ll understand like never before how Jesus changed the world.” This book is fantastic! Wallace investigates the evidence using missing-body investigative techniques. I’ve never read the evidence presented in this way before and love it. This is the research he conducted before the research described in Cold-Case Christianity (another top-notch read).

May 2023 Books

At the Back of the North Wind (2023 books)
Mama Bear Apologetics

At the Back of the North Wind by George MacDonald

This is a lovely fairy tale that teaches children (and adults) not to fear death but rather see it as transitioning to a beautiful land. I just read it for perhaps the third time and found it delightful once again. (It was George MacDonald’s fairy tale Phantastes that helped lead C.S. Lewis to Christ. In Lewis’s book, The Great Divorce, MacDonald is his guide to the outskirts of Paradise.)

Mama Bear Apologetics by Hillary Morgan Ferrer (gen. ed.)

This insightful and often funny collection of essays by women shows us how to recognize lies, offer discernment, argue for a healthier approach, and reinforce truth. They address false messages such as “Follow Your Heart—It Never Lies! Emotionalism” and “I’m Not Religious; I’m Spiritual! New Spirituality.” Chapters end with discussions to have with children. You can read my fuller review here.

June 2023 Books

The Great Divorce
Suffering Wisely and Well (2023 books)

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

I just finished reading this for perhaps the fourth time. I love this little book. In it, Lewis takes a trip from a shadowy town he later learns is hell to the outskirts of Paradise. The Great Divorce brilliantly answers the question, Why doesn’t God simply save everyone?

Suffering Wisely and Well by Eric Ortlund

I got this as part of my research into a book I’m writing, and it’s turned out to be a gem. Ortlund compassionately examines the book of Job in large chunks: the introduction, the friends’ speeches, Job’s speeches, etc. He ends each chapter with tips for helping those who suffer. The section on Leviathan is particularly good.

July 2023 Books

Both books below blend non-fiction and fiction seamlessly. Both are also my first encounter with the author but certainly not the last.

Once Upon a Wardrobe (2023 books)
All Creatures Great and Small

Once Upon a Wardrobe by Patti Callahan

Fantastic. This author’s prose is lyrical, the story is sweet, and the revelations about C.S. Lewis’s life are entertaining. Here’s the book cover blurb: “1950: Margaret Devonshire (Megs) is a seventeen-year-old student of mathematics and physics at Oxford University. When her beloved eight-year-old brother asks Megs if Narnia is real, logical Megs tells him it’s just a book for children, and certainly not true. Homebound due to his illness, and remaining fixated on his favorite books, George presses her to ask the author of the recently released novel The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe a question: ‘Where did Narnia come from?’”

All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot

Delightful and filled with fascinating facts about animals. “In the rolling dales of Yorkshire, a simple, rural region of northern England, a young veterinarian from Sunderland joins a new practice. A stranger in a strange land, he must quickly learn the odd dialect and humorous ways of the locals, master outdated equipment, and do his best to mend, treat, and heal pets and livestock alike. This witty and heartwarming collection, based on the author’s own experiences, became an international success, spawning sequels and winning over animal lovers everywhere. Perhaps better than any other writer, James Herriot reveals the ties that bind us to the creatures in our lives.”

August 2023 Books

The Other Side of the Sun (2023 books)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Other Side of the Sun by Madeleine L’Engle

This is a gripping tale of love and hate, forgiveness and revenge in the South after the Civil War, as seen through the eyes of a young British bride. L’Engle portrays people vividly and handles dialects deftly. I learned much about the complexities of the war’s aftermath.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

A fun children’s tale that upholds virtues like honesty, kindness, and bravery. Five children receive golden tickets to visit Willy Wonka’s amazing chocolate factory. I waited months for this to come available at my library through Libby, and it was worth the wait.

September 2023 Books

The Toxic War on Masculinity (2023 books)
A Tail of Murder

The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes by Nancy R. Pearcey

This book is outstanding. The back cover copy says it well: “How did the idea arise that masculinity is dangerous and destructive? Bestselling author Nancy Pearcey leads you on a fascinating excursion through American history to discover why the script for masculinity turned toxic—and how to fix it.” Her chapter on how churches should deal with abuse is perhaps the best I’ve read.

A Tail of Murder: Cat and Mouse Whodunits 1 by Emily James

This is the first of a new series about Zoe Stephenson, a veterinarian who must turn detective to save herself and those she loves. There are lots of fun animals and even sprinkles of advice for pet owners. From the back cover: “If you like adorable animals, quirky characters, and a twisty-turny plot, then you’ll love Emily James’ page-turning story.”

October 2023 Books

Seasons of Sorrow (2023 books)
All Things Bright and Beautiful

Seasons of Sorrow: The Pain of Loss and the Comfort of God by Tim Challies

This is heart-warming, uplifting, and theologically rich. Seasons of Sorrow will help both those who are working through sorrow and those who are comforting others. Pastor and theologian Challies chronicles working through his grief during the first year of loss. I heartily recommend it.

All Things Bright and Beautiful by James Herriot

If you’re looking for something to relax and charm you, try these delightful stories about a country veterinarian. The novel is based on James Herriot’s life and is the second of four books in the “All Creatures Great and Small” series.

November 2023 Books

A Distant Melody
The Right Kind of Strong (2023 books)

A Distant Melody by Sarah Sundin

Here’s a historical romance of the WWII Air Force in England for a Christian audience. From the back: “Never pretty enough to please her gorgeous mother, Allie will do anything to gain her approval—even marry a man she doesn’t love.”

The Right Kind of Strong by Mary Kassian

This is a terrific book by one of my favorite authors. From the back: “Our culture teaches us that it’s important for women to be strong. The Bible agrees. Unfortunately, culture’s idea of what makes a woman strong doesn’t always align with the Bible’s.”

December 2023 Books

This month I’ve got a children’s book you might consider as a Christmas gift as well as an amusing cozy mystery. (Also: Discovering Wisdom in Proverbs makes a great gift for teens and pre-teens just learning to read the Bible!)

What Is Truth? (2023 books)
The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern

What Is Truth? By Elizabeth Urbanowicz, illustrated by Miranda Duncan

This is a delightful book for children ages 3 to 8. The author is a friend of mine who writes and teaches Christian worldview curriculum. Here’s the back cover copy: “Join Sebastian and Gregg on a thrilling intellectual adventure in Elizabeth Urbanowicz’s captivating children’s book, vibrantly brought to life by Miranda Duncan’s illustrations. Our two charismatic characters guide young readers on a playful exploration of ‘truth,’ a word filled with profound meaning. With a blend of real-world examples and interactive participation, children are invited to discern what’s real and what’s not alongside their new friends.”

The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern by Lilian Jackson Braun

Braun’s cozy mysteries solved with the help of Siamese cats are just plain fun. I discovered the author earlier this year, and this is the second in a series of 29. “Jim Qwilleran isn’t exactly overwhelmed by his new assignment for the Daily Fluxion. Interior design has never been one of his specialties and now he’s supposed to turn out an entire magazine on the subject every week! But the first issue of Gracious Abodes is barely off the presses when Qwilleran finds himself back on more familiar territory—the exclusive residence featured on the cover has been burglarized and the lady of the house found dead.”


(To watch or listen to “6 Steps to Unity,” click here.)

How can we have unity with Christians who disagree with us on non-essential issues? How can we grant grace and extend charity over issues like creation and end times?

Welcome to Session 10 of Discovering Good News in John.

In this week’s chapter, we read Jesus’s prayer for us in John 17:21. He prayed:

That all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.

John 17:21

Jesus prayed for his followers to be one. He wants us to be united so that others will believe in him. But when we look around us, we see the Christian church divided into many denominations. And we see Christians sometimes in heated disagreements over how to interpret Scripture.

So today I want to talk about how to be united with Christians whose opinions on non-essentials differ from ours by offering charity. The first step to being charitable in non-essentials is to realize that differences over non-essentials are okay.

Step 1 to Unity: Realize that differences over non-essentials are okay

Step 1 to Unity: Realize That Differences Over Non-Essentials Are Okay

When I became a Christian as a teenager, many Christian pastors said the rapture would occur no later than 1981. The math was simple: Jesus spoke of his second coming and then said in Matthew 24:34 that “this generation will not pass away until all these things take place.” Many Christians concluded that a generation was 40 years, and they considered Israel’s reestablishment in Palestine in 1948 to be the beginning of that 40-year generation. 40 years from 1948 is 1988 minus seven years for the tribulation meant the rapture needed to occur by 1981. Simple, right? Some pastors we respected taught this fervently.

The first time I really understood there were other views was when my husband attended seminary and studied eschatology. Then I began reading the works of people who held different views and discovered things weren’t quite as simple as I had thought.

And guess what? The rapture did not occur by 1981. That respected pastors could be wrong hurt the faith of some Christians who wondered what else the pastors might be wrong about.

Today, something similar still happens. Christians who have been taught only one view are stunned when they attend school or a different church and for the first time encounter different views. Christians who realize they were mistaken about a teaching suddenly wonder how many other things they could be wrong about. The fact that there are so many Christian denominations feeds their doubts further.

Therefore, it’s important to realize that differences over non-essentials are okay. It helps us grant grace to those with different opinions. This leads us to the second step toward greater unity, which is to differentiate between essentials and non-essentials.

Step 2 to Unity: Differentiate between essentials and non-essentials

Step 2 to Unity: Differentiate Between Essentials and Non-Essentials

The main things are the plain things, and the plain things are the main things. Godly Christians agree on the overwhelming majority of doctrines. Scripture teaches these things plainly. But there are some things that godly Christians interpret differently. That’s why we must discern between essentials and non-essentials.

How do we do this? First, know the essentials.

What are the essentials?

What Are the Essentials?

Christians contend that to be a Christian you must agree to certain essentials. Although there are other creedal statements, the big three are the Apostles’ Creed, the Nicene Creed, and Chalcedonian Creed. Here’s a quick summary of some of the essentials:

  • The Bible is the inspired Word of God.
  • There is one God in three persons—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—who are co-equal and co-eternal.
  • Jesus died for our sins, he was raised from the dead, and he is coming back to judge the world.
  • People are saved from their sins by grace through faith in Jesus’s atoning work on the cross.

By the way, perhaps the very first creedal statement is found 1 Corinthians 15:3-8:

For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.

1 Corinthians 15:3–8, ESV

Notice that Paul said that what he was passing on is what he received. It is a testimony that Jesus died for our sins, was buried, was raised from the dead, and appeared to the disciples individually and in groups. I think it will be obvious that anyone who denies any one of these points would not be a true Christian.

How do we recognize non-essentials?

How Do We Recognize Non-Essentials?

Well, some pastors teach multiple views regarding non-essential but controversial doctrines, which helps. But for me, after I discovered my pastor had been mistaken about the rapture, I decided the best way to know what’s essential and what’s not is to read study Bibles that don’t take positions on the main areas of disagreement. Instead, they summarize the differences.

That leads us to the third step toward greater unity, which is to beware partisanship.

Step 3 to Unity: Beware partisanship

Step 3 to Unity: Beware Partisanship

The apostle Paul warned against being doctrinally divisive in 1 Corinthians 1:10-13:

I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment. For it has been reported to me by Chloe’s people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers. What I mean is that each one of you says, “I follow Paul,” or “I follow Apollos,” or “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.” Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?

1 Corinthians 1:10–13, ESV

Clay and I had a friend who would say that he himself was no expert in theology, but he considered a particular theologian to be the ultimate expert, and whatever that guy said was the truth. But do you see the arrogance in saying, “I’m not an expert but I can identify who I think is the best expert alive today and he’s the guy I listen to”? The arrogance is that this fellow thought he was an expert on experts. He thought he was qualified to say who the greatest contemporary theologian was.

Now, it’s fine to respect this or that Christian leader; there’s nothing wrong with that. But we shouldn’t turn anyone into the standard by which all Christians are measured. To do so is arrogant and partisan. It’s what Paul warns us not to do.

The fourth step toward greater unity is to grant grace by neither despising nor judging.

Step 4 to Unity: Grant grace by neither despising nor judging

Step 4 to Unity: Grant Grace by Neither Despising nor Judging

Paul wrote his letter to Rome partly to bring unity between Jewish and Gentile Christians. Disputes about whether Christians should eat meat were destroying unity. In Romans 14:3-4, he instructs us on how to handle gray areas where Christians may disagree:

Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

Romans 14:3–4, ESV

Verse 10 continues:

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God.

Romans 14:10, ESV

Paul’s warning to neither despise nor pass judgment on non-essential areas applies wherever Bible-believing Christians legitimately disagree. We should neither despise nor pass judgment on those whose opinions differ from ours on non-essentials.

What helps us to neither despise nor judge is step 5, which is to hear all Christian views.

Step 5 to Unity: Hear all Christian views

Step 5 to Unity: Hear All Christian Views

I don’t mean hear what those you agree with say about others’ views. I mean listen to those who hold different views. Proverbs 18:17 cautions:

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17, ESV

In a few cases, I’ve changed my view about this or that over the years, but even when I don’t, I’m at least more charitable toward those with whom I disagree. My favorite way is to read multi-view books in which authors state and defend their own view as well as critique the other authors’ views.

Almost everything I’ve said so far can be summed up by step 6 toward greater unity, which is to be humble.

Step 6 to Unity: Be humble

Step 6 to Unity: Be Humble

Don’t be arrogant. Paul wrote in Philippians 2:2-11,

Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:2–11, ESV

Here, Paul tells the Philippians to be of the same mind and be in full accord. That’s about humility. He tells them to avoid conceit. He points out that even though Jesus was in the form of God, Jesus was a servant who humbled himself. We likewise need to embrace humility. And that means we need to avoid the conceit of always thinking that we’re right and others are wrong.

An up-close study of Jesus
Discovering Good News in John

Some Christians make it their life to argue about every little doctrine. My husband Clay has trained apologists for years at Talbot School of Theology. He warns them not to be like some apologists who consider it an affront if you disagree with them on any point of doctrine, no matter how small. Indeed, some Christians seem to think that it is impossible that they could be wrong about anything they believe. Don’t be like that. Instead, as Paul said, “in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” So don’t think “I’m a better Christian than you are because I hold this or that particular doctrine.” That’s despising others and not embracing humility. Don’t think, “I’m a better Christian than you are because I go to a better church than you do.” Again, that’s despising others and not being humble.

Jesus humbled himself and God highly exalted him. Jesus said in Matthew 23:12:

Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Matthew 23:12, ESV

So, let’s be humble because if we are humble, God will exalt us.

In Conclusion

Let’s realize that differences over non-essentials are okay, strive to differentiate between essentials and non-essentials, beware partisanship, grant grace by neither despising nor judging those with different opinions, hear all Christian views, and be humble.

This week in Discovering Good News in John, complete chapter 10: Jesus Is the Messiah. We’ll answer the question, What evidence does John give that Jesus is the Messiah? See you next time.

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John 18:36

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Join the Discussion

Please answer these questions in the comments below.

  1. What one thought stuck out to you in this week’s video? Why did it stand out?
  2. What one thought stuck out to you from this week’s chapter? Why did it stand out?
  3. Question 33, page 183: How can you imitate Jesus’s response to a betrayal you’ve experienced?

#gospelofjohn #DiscoveringGoodNewsinJohn #goodnews #unity

Review of 9 books

Summer reading pile

Here I review nine of my favorite books from this summer’s reading pile. They range from serious to downright fun in these categories:

  • Consciousness, the Soul & the Brain
  • Worship & Art
  • Christian Living
  • Inspirational Fiction

Consciousness, the Soul & the Brain

Review:  The Soul: How We know It’s Real and Why It Matters

By J. P. Moreland

Reading Level: College
I loved this slim book. It made sense of the many verses about the soul. The chapter on what the Bible teaches on the soul is terrific and worth the price of the book by itself. Chapter Four: The Reality of the Soul uses philosophical arguments to prove the soul’s existence, but if you lack a background in philosophy or symbolic logic, you could skip this chapter. Then the final chapter on the future of the human person discusses Near Death Experiences as well as what the Bible teaches on the afterlife. While the vocabulary is sometimes steep, every chapter ends with a review of key concepts and key vocabulary, so that makes it doable.

Here’s a quotation that gives the gist of Moreland’s position (page 51):

Old Testament teaching about life after death is best understood in terms of a diminished though conscious form of disembodied personal survival in an intermediate state.

Review: Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School

By John Medina

Reading Level: College
This was a thoroughly fun and informative book. The 12 rules explore the way factors affect the brain: exercise, sleep, stress, wiring, attention, memory, sensory integration, vision, music, gender, and exploration. Medina includes lots of case studies and lots of ideas to enhance learning. He advises both teachers and parents on how to help others learn. He shatters myths. Here’s a sample (191):

When it comes to both recognition memory and working memory, pictures and text follow very different rules. Put simply, the more visual the input becomes, the more likely it is to be recognizedand recalled. It’s called the pictorial superiority effect.

I happened to finish this book while I was also reading J. P. Moreland’s book on the soul, making for an interesting juxtaposition of one scientist attributing the wonders of the brain to evolution, and the other to God.

Worship & Art

Review: Word Pictures: Knowing God Through Story & Imagination

By Brian Godawa

Reading level: College
This is a fascinating look at balancing reason with imagination when expressing faith. An award-winning screenwriter, Godawa begins by explaining how he used to try to argue people into the faith through reason and logic alone, but often fell short. He examines the Bible’s use of story and art, and talks about art (and rejection of art) in church history. Then he looks at how the arts can be used to present the gospel message. He says (72):

Our Western bias toward rational discourse can too easily blind us to the biblical power of story and word pictures to embody truth.

Every chapter uses a different typeface, giving each its own feel. Pictures adorn most pages, nicely supporting his points. I highly recommend this book for anyone looking to use the various arts to spread the gospel, including literary, visual, and performing arts.

Review: Complete Guide to Bible Journaling: Creative Techniques to Express Your Faith

By Joanne Fink & Regina Yoder

Reading Level: High School
My co-authors, Pam Farrel and Karla Dornacher, introduced me to Bible journaling. Wanting to learn more, I ordered this terrific book. It begins with an explanation of what Bible journaling is (8):

In its simplest definition, Bible journaling is a way to express your faith creatively. Putting pen to paper is a great way to remember and record biblical concepts that are meaningful and relevant to your life.

The book explains tools and techniques, profiles 11 artists (including Karla!), and presents a gallery of different artists’ works. The artists share how turning Scripture into art helps them meditate on God’s word, apply it to their lives, and remember Scripture. This is a great book for anyone wanting to use art to creatively express Scripture.

Review: Whitework with Colour (Milner Craft Series)

By Trish Burr

Reading Level: High School
I’ve always loved whitework embroidery, which historically uses white thread on a white background worked in a variety of stitches that provide texture and shades. Burr adds a bit of color to her whitework, and it makes for gorgeous pieces.

This beautiful, full color book begins with the basics of whitework: materials, preparation, color, and stitches. Then it moves into 17 projects separated by difficulty level. The projects include patterns to trace, stitch diagrams, thread keys, and instructions. The instructions are easy to follow, and she provides videos on her website.

I’d already begun a whitework project before I received this for my birthday, and the book’s instructions greatly improved my stitches. I used the techniques to embroider the Psalm 73 bookmark from my book, Discovering Hope in the Psalms. (I’d already colored the background before I decided to try whitework.)

Christian Living

Review: Tattered and Mended: The Art of Healing the Wounded Soul

By Cynthia Ruchti

Reading Level: High School
What a gem this is! The author’s prose sings as she compares the ways artists restore damaged art with the ways God restores damaged souls. Each chapter unfolds as a hope-filled parable. Then the book concludes with comforting advice to those in the mending process. What I like best is the value Ruchti observes in tattered art and wounded souls as each awaits restoration.

As God mended what had been broken in meboth in body and spiritI began to see that he wasn’t merely replacing faded material or restitching seams that had loosened. He was embroidering a design that would forever remind me of the story of what I’d been through … and how near he drew.

Review: Mentoring for All Seasons: Sharing Life Experiences & God’s Faithfulness

By Janet Thompson

Reading Level: High School

This is the best book I’ve read on spiritual mentoring, hands down. Janet Thompson begins with an introduction explaining how she came to start a mentoring ministry. Section One explains the biblical call to mentor, how churches can avoid generation gaps in their ministries, and the basics of connecting mentors with mentees.

Section Two Describes life seasons and the type of mentoring women need in each season. For each season, Thompson gives tips for both mentors and mentees, Scriptures to discuss, personal stories from mentors and mentees, a short Bible story, and discussion questions. I particularly liked Thompson’s guidelines for establishing boundaries so no one feels like they’re being asked for more time than they’ve agreed to give, and for making sure expectations are clearly discussed up front.

The epilogue finishes with a variety of short topics such as tips on choosing a mentor, setting realistic expectations, Do’s and Don’ts, mentor vulnerability, advice for when mentoring is hard, and resources.

I highly recommend this book for Christian women who want to both grow spiritually and help others grow.

Review: Messy Beautiful Love: Hope and Redemption for Real-Life Marriages

By Darlene Schacht

Reading Level: High School
Darlene Schacht begins with the powerful story of her husband discovering she had had an affair and his decision to offer grace. Then she reveals the vulnerable story of how they put their marriage back together piece by piece, with God’s help. After the introductory chapter, each chapter focuses on one key concept for making marriage work, such as “Appreciate Him for Who He Truly Is.” The writing is tender and encouraging, never overbearing. Here’s a sample (174):

Contentment requires us to trade personal and immediate gratification for a heightened sense of appreciation.

I recommend this book for any newlywed or any wife looking to improve her marriage.

Inspirational Fiction

Review: Turtles in the Road: A Novel

By Rhonda Rhea & Kaley Rhea

Reading Level: High School
This is a sweet, delightful romantic comedy with hilarious dialog. Two Christians try to follow God’s plan for their lives. But they fumble a bit in the funniest of ways. Then friends and a wise older couple step in with words of wisdom as a romance slowly and sweetly develops. This is the relaxing, funny kind of book I like to read just before bedtime. And on Kindle, it’s $2.99!

Here’s the opening paragraph:

Normally a nice long solo drive had a calming effect on Piper. All alone, no interruptions, just her, the Lord, and the open road. She’d done some of her best thinking on long road trips. Some of her best praying. Some of her worst singing.

9 Book Reviews in 4 categories: Soul & Brain; Worship & Art; Christian Living; Inspirational Fiction Click To Tweet

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In Will there be Sorrow in Heaven over Unsaved Children? Part 1, I began to address a reader’s question about sorrow in heaven over unsaved children and I listed three approaches to it that don’t work. In this post, we’ll look at the first of three consideration that shed light on the issue.

3 Helpful Considerations About Sorrow in Heaven

The first consideration pertains just to parents of adult unsaved children, while the next two in Part 3 address knowing any unsaved loved one is in hell.

1) Blood Relationships with Saved & Unsaved Children Will Change

That the question asked about a parents’ sadness over adult unsaved children is due, perhaps, to the fact that most people view parental love as the one that mourns loss most.  On earth, there are some complicating factors that make loss of children especially difficult. Some of these complicating factors will be replaced or disappear in the afterlife, and that may lessen sadness so that it becomes more like the loss of other loved ones.

a) The Instinctual Part of the Parent-Child Bond May Cease

When I was 11, I excitedly told schoolmates on the bus that our family dog, a German shorthaired pointer named Gayleene, had puppies. Two children wanted to see the puppies, so I brought them home. I opened the front door to the smell of damp fur and milk. I beckoned them to follow. But as I rounded the corner from the short hallway into the living room, I heard a roar and froze. Gayleene half rose, the four speckled puppies attached to the front of her chest dropping loose with a sucking sound while others further back kept feeding. Her roar—a mix of a howl and deep growl—emanated from her dappled chest, pulsed through her tautly stretched neck, and reverberated out her whiskered mouth opened in an “O” just below quivering nostrils. Her chocolate ears pressed back and her brown eyes bulged wild and wide.

I put out my hand to stop the others. “This isn’t a good idea,” I whispered, and they nodded, turned, and left. I shut the door and peeked back around the corner. Gayleene had lain back down and was busy nuzzling her little ones back into place so they could feed. I gingerly approached and sat in a chair not far from her while I pondered the sudden change in her personality. She ignored me, apparently not considering me a danger.

That day I learned that female animals have a strong instinct to protect their young. Later, I learned that both male and female humans generally have such an instinct, too. The Bible calls this instinct God-given and observes that ostriches have less of it (Job 39:14-17) while she-bears are ferociously endowed (Proverb 17:12).

The Mama-bear Instinct May Cease

Sorrow in heaven over unsaved children

Detail of Book of Life in “Last Judgement” by Michelangelo (Web Gallery of Art: Public Domain, Wikimedia)

Instincts are behaviors that are innate rather than learned. In fact, the Bible likens people who act on passions alone to animals who act on instinct rather than reason (2 Peter 2:12; Jude 1:10). Thus instincts seem to be part of our physical makeup—our “flesh and blood”—rather than our minds. Since “flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 15:50), I suspect that purely physical instincts that have no use in the next life will disappear with our earthly bodies.

This may include whatever is purely instinctual about the parent-child bond; for example, the mamma-bear instinct that causes parents to rush to defend their children. In humans, this protecting instinct ensures a family’s survival on earth, but such a drive is unneeded in the coming kingdom where there is no more death. If that instinct to protect our own disappears, then it would no longer drive emotions to greater heights.

b) Corruptions of Parental Love Will Cease

Although the instinctual parts of the parent-child relationship may desist, love will not, for “Love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:8).  On the other hand, certain corruptions of parental love that increase grief on earth will cease. Fire will reveal and burn these away (1 Corinthians 3:12-15):

  • The pursuit of immortality through offspring that causes the loss of an only child to also be the loss of preserving one’s memory
  • The pursuit of self-worth through being needed that results in loss of purpose when children leave or die
  • The idolizing of children that may result in abandoning God if family expectations aren’t met (Matthew 10:38)

c) A Sibling Relationship Will Replace the Parent-Child Relationship

Jesus considered blood ties to have less significance than spiritual ties (Matthew 10:37; 12:49-50). This particularly makes sense when we consider that in the kingdom of heaven our family relationships actually change, especially the parent-child relationship, because God adopts those who are born again (Romans 8:23). When someone adopts a child, her parental ties to the birth parent end.

In the kingdom of heaven, everyone will be a child of God the Father, and the earthly parent-child relationship will become a heavenly sibling relationship.

Sorrow in Heaven over Unsaved Children? Part 2: 3 Ways Blood Relationships Change Click To Tweet

In This Series “Will there be Sorrow in Heaven over Una)a)saved Children?”:
How do we take hold of faith to forgive when forgiving is tough? Part 4 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Some sins are relatively easy to forgive: unintentional sins and minor wrongs, for instance. Other sins are much harder. Here are four that require faith to forgive.

It takes Faith to Forgive Sins that Cause Great Loss

When we lose possessions, relationships, health, or dreams because of someone’s sin, we’ll need faith to forgive: faith that we cannot lose anything of eternal value. Our heavenly treasures can be neither stolen nor destroyed (Matthew 6:19-21).

Martyrs had faith to forgive

Many early Christians lost everything (Konstantin Flavitsky, 1862, public domain)

I once lost a position after someone lied about me; I also lost relationships. I had to in faith believe that our losses and hurts here will not harm us in ways God cannot redeem. After all, God does work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). Indeed, when we suffer loss and hardship with faith, we gain an eternal reward (1 Peter 1:6-72 Corinthians 4:17).

Our earthly losses are losses of temporal things only. We must let them go, for holding onto grudges over things lost makes those things idols raised above obeying God. Because of their faith, the first Christians “joyfully accepted” the plundering of their property because they knew that they “had a better possession and an abiding one” in the life to come (Hebrews 10:34).

It takes Faith to Forgive Malicious Slander

False and malicious slander is a fiery dart in the hand of the jealous, the power hungry, the fame seeker, the revenge taker, and the self-justifier. When aimed at us, we need faith to forgive: faith that believes only God’s opinion matters. Like Paul, we must consider others’ judgments “a very small thing” (1 Corinthians 4:1-5).

Jesus had faith to forgive false accusers

False witnesses accuse Jesus before the ruling council (José Madrazo, 1803, public domain)

A leader who believed the lies I mentioned above expressed harsh words about me. I memorized and quoted 1 Corinthians 4:1-5 regularly. I imagined myself holding up a giant shield of faith between me and the fiery darts of his judgments. The shield extinguished the darts, blocked them from piercing me, and moved my eyes from them onto our Redeemer.

Jesus warned that we would be unfairly maligned: “If the head of the house has been called Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household! So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known” (Matthew 10:25-26). We don’t need to harbor unforgiveness because God can and will reveal the truth. His timing is perfect, even if the truth isn’t revealed till the Judgment.

It takes Faith to Forgive Wrongs Committed Over and Over and OVER

When family members or friends apologize, but keep doing the same things, they appear insincere. After all, repentance means trying to change. It takes faith to forgive repeatedly. In fact, when Jesus told the apostles they must forgive others over and over, they responded, “Increase our faith!” (Luke 17:3-5).

Jesus had faith to forgive Peter denying him 3 times

Peter denied Jesus 3 times (Carl Heinrich Bloch, 1873, public domain)

I doubt there’s anyone who hasn’t faced repeated wrongs. When my husband and I were dating, we agreed to never bring up a past wrong once we’ve said, “I forgive you.” To respond to an apology with, “But this is the fifth time,” is not loving, for love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Besides, bringing up past offenses separates even close friends, while putting forgiven faults behind us seeks love (Proverbs 17:9).

To forgive, I have to let go of that part of me which protests, “If she really cared, she wouldn’t keep doing this,” because how much someone loves me isn’t the point. That’s between her and God. My relationships aren’t about other people being what I want them to be: They’re about me being what God wants me to be.

Moreover, haven’t we all come to God confessing the same thing over and over again? We must grant the mercy we wish to receive. Only God knows the heart—which is why my part is to forgive and leave ultimate justice to God.

It takes Faith to Forgive Betrayal

Who hasn’t been betrayed by someone trusted? When we’re betrayed, it takes faith to forgive: faith that believes God rewards repaying hatred with love. Jesus calls us to love our enemies, do good to them, bless them, and pray for them, for God will greatly reward us (Luke 6:27-35).

Joseph had faith to forgive his brothers' betrayal

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery (Konstantin Flavitsky, 1855, public domain)

When betrayed, we must remember no one can circumvent God’s good plans for us (Romans 8:28-31). After I learned that my mother knew her sins against me and my siblings were wrong, I prayed for insight into why the anger held on even though I’d tried to forgive her.

My Right?

It struck me that part of the reason is that I had considered parental love and goodness a right. God commands them, to be sure. But God had adopted me and I had a new, perfect Parent who was giving me all I needed: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close” (Psalm 27:10).

Beyond God’s Redemption?

I pondered further. Had I lost anything that God couldn’t work for good? No, Joseph’s story showed that (Genesis 50:20), and I’d already seen some good come from it in that others with similar backgrounds were more open to talk to me about Christ. Had I lost anything of eternal worth? No, heavenly treasures can’t be destroyed or stolen (Matthew 6:19-20). Everything that’s of this earth alone will pass away, so if I haven’t lost anything of eternal worth, then in the long run I haven’t actually lost anything.

A Prayer of Faith

In faith I chose to believe that God could use my mother’s betrayal for good, not just for me, but also for others (2 Corinthians 1:4). I prayed, “God, I trust you to work my mother’s wrongs for good for me, my siblings, and others. Keep the three of us from repeating her sins. Thank you for opening my eyes to know you. Thank you for the ways I’ve already seen you work good from my past.”

The anger finally began to subside.

Yet for this betrayal, I needed one more step. That’s the topic of my next post.

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Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

The first step towards forgiving is committing to forgive, but to do that, I need to know: must I forgive this offense? Part 2 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

In my last post on What Forgiving Isn’t, I shared six substitutes that masquerade as forgiving, but which merely manage emotions for a time. Forgiving deliberate sins that cause significant hurt and loss can be difficult, but it’s possible with the Holy Spirit’s help.

My first real struggle with forgiving came in my twenties with the sudden revelation that my mother had known her hatred and mistreatment were wrong. For years I had prayed, “I forgive her because she doesn’t know better.” I thought I had forgiven her because this prayer immediately eased the anger and hurt. But the revelation that she knew better crashed into the fence of excuses I’d used to corral my emotions, and now anger, hurt, jealousy, and rage galloped over me like wild horses.

I tried telling God, “I forgive her,” but the tumultuous emotions wouldn’t go away. I wondered if it were possible to forgive and still be angry.

The first step towards forgiving when forgiving is hard is making a commitment to forgive. But before we can make such a commitment, we need to know if we need to forgive.

Must I Forgive If I’ve tried But I’m Still Angry?

I truly thought I’d forgiven. But had I? Was saying “I forgive” enough?

I looked at Scriptures about anger. Ephesians 4:31 said, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Truth be told, I was filled with rage and anger, possibly even bitterness and malice. I tried to get rid of it by emotionally thrusting it away, but it wouldn’t go.

Must I forgive? Ephesians says yes

Ephesians 4:32

I read the next verse: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It was easy to be compassionate when I thought she didn’t know better, but how was I to be compassionate towards someone who had intentionally wronged my siblings and me? Yet this verse juxtaposed compassion and forgiving with rage and anger. It didn’t look like I could claim I’d forgiven.

Besides, a few verses earlier said, “’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (v. 26). This anger had built up over years.

While it’s true that it takes time for emotions to calm after a loss, the level of anger made me sure I hadn’t yet forgiven from the heart.

A thought occurred to me and I asked God, Must I forgive? I looked at different situations.

Must I Forgive What the Bible Doesn’t Call Sin?

No, the presence of hurt or anger doesn’t necessarily mean someone has sinned against me. If something’s not sinful, I need to overlook it. For example, I might not like it that two of my girlfriends had lunch without me, but they didn’t sin.

We should also pray for the Holy Spirit to show us why we’re offended over something not wrong; it might be that what’s wrong is in us rather than the other person: impatience, pride, poor planning skills. For instance, if I’m bothered that a friend corrected me, I probably should confess pride and pray for the wisdom to take correction graciously: “Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8).

Must I Forgive Unintentional Sin?

Jesus taught that unintentional sins are lesser sins than intentional sins: “And that servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more” (Luke 12:47-48).

So unintentional sins—sins of ignorance and sins of weakness—are still sins, and yes, we must forgive them, not excuse or ignore them.

Must I Forgive Repeated Sin?

“But he’s done it over and over again! He says he’s sorry, but he’s not changing so how I can I believe him?” Many spouses bring this one up.

Mk11_25They’re in good company. After Jesus taught about restoring a believer who has sinned against you, Peter went to Jesus and asked how often he had to forgive: “Seven times?” Jesus answered, “Seventy-seven!” Then he told the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. The bottom line is that if we’re grateful for the mercy God has shown us, then we must show mercy to others because the debt we owe God far exceeds the debt others owe us (Matthew 18:21–35).

Besides, how many of us haven’t repeated the same sins we’ve confessed many times before? If we want God’s mercy, others must have ours.

Must I Forgive Deliberate Sin?

Yes. Jesus never said to forgive only unintentional sins. He said, For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

Must I Forgive Unrepentant Sin?

My mother wasn’t repentant. In fact, she still threw verbal darts. Did I need to forgive her?

I searched my Bible for the answer. Although a couple passages talked about forgiving the repentant, others spoke about forgiving all sin: “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too” (Mark 11:25). It seemed that even if we ended relationship with someone unrepentant, we must still forgive in some sense. I didn’t know in what sense yet.

But I did know I had to get rid of the bitterness and anger, and forgiving seemed the only way.

Out of sheer obedience, I prayed, “Father, I forgive her.” The anger remained, but I knew my willingness pleased God. I committed to finding a way to forgive, trusting that the God who made me willing to change would also make me able (Philippians 2:13).

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Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

 

Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). But Proverb 19:11 says it’s to our glory to overlook an offense. How do I know when to speak up and when to just overlook something?

Indeed, Jesus plainly tells us to speak to those who’ve sinned against us, and we should definitely speak up when a Christian sins against us in a way that hurts our relationship. However, here are six offenses we might want to overlook rather than address.

Overlook What the Bible Doesn’t Call Sin

Perhaps you think that mother over there is too strict. Maybe you consider eating red meat, refined wheat, sugar, or GMO vegetables to be wrong. You might believe taking more than 24 hours to return a phone call is disrespectful. But the Bible doesn’t call any of those things sin, so keep quiet and keep the peace. In gray areas—areas on which the Scripture doesn’t speak—Romans 14 tells us to follow our conscience without criticizing those whose beliefs differ.

Sometimes we should overlook offenses

Sometimes it’s best to forget the big guns and simply overlook an offense (USS Missouri)

One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Romans 14:2-3

Overlook Most Non-believers’ Issues

While we should talk to our unbelieving friends and relatives about things that hurt our relationship, for the most part, telling people to obey a God they don’t believe in isn’t helpful. Likewise, when people become Christians, don’t call them to account for all the things that went on before they considered Jesus to be Lord.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 1 Corinthians 5:12

Overlook Previous Occurrences of the Same Sin

Once someone’s apologized for something, never bring it up again: “I know you already apologized, but I’m still bugged.” If you’re still bringing it up, you haven’t forgiven, and Jesus said we must forgive someone even seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:21-34). Likewise, if someone repeats a sin, address the new issue without bringing up the past: “This is the third time you’ve done that” repeats the matter that you said you forgave.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9

Overlook What’s Merely Meddling

Maybe your heart is breaking over your sisters who aren’t getting along. Stay out of it. Maybe you know one friend is peeved at another friend, but hasn’t told him and now she wants you to talk to him for her. Refuse and encourage her to talk lovingly to him herself. Triangular communications are often gossip and an attempt to get others to choose sides.

Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears. Proverbs 26:17

Overlook Motives

Address actions, not motives. People who think they’re skilled at “reading between the lines” or discerning hidden motives damage their relationships. “Did you start the carrots?” shouldn’t be heard as, “You think I’m a terrible cook!” Assume motives are innocent until proven otherwise.

Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. 1 Corinthians 4:5

Overlook Small Issues that Don’t Matter

If your usually kind friend snaps at you after having a hard day, it’s a good time to just overlook it.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:12-14

When in doubt, remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet famously misjudges Mr. Darcy’s motives and severs their friendship and (apparently) her best hope of marital bliss. Indeed, judging motives is the cause of many a damaged relationship. One of the best ways to improve marriages, enhance friendships, get along better with colleagues, and become more winsome when sharing the gospel is to refuse to judge motives!

Judging motives in Pride and Prejudice

Judging motives proves tricky in Pride and Prejudice

I learned this the hard way. Many years ago Clay and I were arguing about something—I don’t remember what—when in frustration I blurted, “You’re only arguing to win, and not because you really mean it.” Ouch. Yeah, I know. But at the time I believed it.

He told me I was judging motives, and I needed to think about what it would feel like if someone said that to me. He was right.

Now, I knew Scripture says not to judge motives (more on that shortly), but somehow it didn’t click that that’s what I was doing before the words came out of my mouth.

What Judging Motives Looks Like

Marital disagreements can spiral out of control when couples divine what they consider to be the “real” motives behind each other’s actions: “The only reason you don’t want to go is you hate my mother”; “You don’t care about my feelings—you just want to impress your boss”; “You didn’t forget what I asked—you wanted to spite me!”

Work and friendships provide plenty of opportunities: “You didn’t call me back because you’re avoiding me”; “She told that story to brag”; “The only reason the boss promoted him instead of me is that the boss likes kiss-ups.”

Church differences can bring out these: “The only reason you don’t agree with me is you’re too arrogant to admit I’m right”; “You believe that only because of your upbringing”; “The pastor didn’t do that because he cares about the church; he did it because it benefits him.”

What’s Wrong with Judging Motives?

Why is judging motives a bad idea?

It’s usually arrogant. Thinking that ours is the only viable position a logical person could take after hearing our dazzling explanations, and so any disagreement must be due to bad motives is, well, arrogant.

It attacks the person rather than the argument. This is a fallacy known as ad hominem, and it’s used mainly by people who’ve run out of logical arguments. It also flies in the face of Scripture’s command to use only words that build up (Eph. 4:29).

It often commits the post hoc fallacy (“after this therefore because of this”). Dismissing a person’s present beliefs as springing only from their past is akin to saying, “Every time we take Mary to the park it rains, so let’s not take Mary to the park anymore.”

It’s always hurtful. I didn’t realize how hurtful my words were until I considered how I would feel if someone said such a thing to me.

It disobeys Scripture. Scripture tells us to stop judging people based on hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5  

It’s often hypocritical. When we’re tempted to judge others’ motives, we need to examine our own motives to make sure we don’t want their motives to be bad so we’ll look better in some way.

Elizabeth Bennet judging motives of Mr.Darcy

Darcy and Elizabeth at Charlotte’s house. Illustration by Hugh Thomson, 1894. (Austen, Jane. “Pride and Prejudice.” London: George Allen, 1894.)

The Benefits of Not Judging Motives

After that argument, I worked at recognizing when I’d begun to judge people’s motives so I could slam on the brakes. A funny thing happened: I became annoyed less often because there was less to be annoyed about. My relationships hit fewer bumps. I learned to ask people to clarify their motives, and discovered new and surprising things about them. Granted, people aren’t always honest about their motives, not even with themselves. But that is their problem with the Lord.

What are some other examples of judging motives?

*****

Disclosure: Clicking the first image will take you to Amazon’s page for streaming the popular 1995 TV mini-series of Pride and Prejudice–free for Prime members!

When I was a child, I tried to turn a Chihuahua into Lassie.

I wanted a dog like Lassie, that heroic TV collie who had long orangish/brown fur, bits of black around her perky ears, and a huge white mane that fluffed softly from her chest and was always clean and brushed. Every week I watched her rescue little Timmy from danger.

I thought if I had a dog like Lassie, she could rescue me if a river swept me away, attack bad people that tried to hurt me, and run for help if I were trapped in a collapsed mine. Then she would lick my face while sweetly whining, just as Lassie licked Timmy’s face at the end of every show.

Trying to turn things into what they're not

My sister Karen, brother Tony, and I playing in the sprinklers with Moosie, the tiny blob in front of us

But I didn’t have a Lassie. I had Moose: an irritable, golden blonde Chihuahua whose girth nearly matched her height. The top of her head sported a large, bald soft spot I wasn’t supposed to touch. She scurried about on spindly legs while her toenails went clickety-clickety-clickety. When I disturbed her frequent naps, she growled and bit my fingers with needle-like teeth.

Nonetheless, I was sure Moosie could be like Lassie with a little nudging.

So one day when a group of kids big enough to go to school were hanging out on the sidewalk in front of our small stucco house, I decided to bravely walk outside with Moosie by my side. I called her. She ignored me. I picked up all eight pounds of her and carried her to the front door. “Come on, Moosie, we’re going outside,” I coaxed. I set her down and she put her wiggling, wet nose on the crack where the door opened. I turned the doorknob and pulled on the door. She jumped out the door and I followed her. But as soon as she saw the school kids, she ducked her nose onto the ground, whipped her skinny tail under so far it nearly touched her pointed chin, twisted the front half of her body around like a hairpin, and dove back into the house.

The big kids stared.

A Lassie she would never be.

Trying to turn things into something they're not

Moosie standing on the armrest of a chair staring at my grandmother’s parakeet

Although I wanted a dog to protect and befriend me, what I didn’t know is I had someone infinitely more reliable, infinitely mightier, and infinitely more concerned for me than Lassie ever could be for Timmy. Lassie, after all, was mortal, besides being fictitious. Her successes depended on a storywriter’s will to keep the dangers facing Timmy within Lassie’s ability to overcome. There was no Lassie that could protect me from the dangers of the real world in which I lived.

It wasn’t a Lassie I needed, then as a child or later as an adult. I needed, and have, the Good Shepherd. This Shepherd knows my heart and thoughts, as well as the heart and thoughts of all around me. There is no story line bigger than his abilities to overcome. Not even death.

And yet … we sometimes try to mold people and situations and things into being that which only the Good Shepherd can be for us. When we try to make creation do what only the Creator can do, we set ourselves up for disappointment and unhappiness.

  • We may try to mold our spouse into being everything we emotionally need, rather than seeking all we need from God
  • We may turn our environment into never-ending entertainment, rather than taking our nagging and tumultuous thoughts to God for examination
  • We may feign illnesses so family members will prove they’ll always care for us, rather than trusting God for our future
  • We may form our deeds into exceptional works to prove we’re good people, rather than accepting the forgiveness God offers through Christ Jesus
  • We may habitually dull pain and sorrow with alcohol or drugs, rather than seeking the lasting comfort that only God can give
  • We may chase positions, possessions, and people to gain worth, rather than pursuing the eternal glory God offers
  • We may shape our work to gain approval from people, rather than being satisfied that the only approval which counts is God’s
  • We may manipulate others into doing what we want, rather than acting in honest ways and trusting God to provide for us
  • We may try to control others, rather than committing ourselves to prayer and trusting God with others’ lives

Have you been looking to mold someone or something into that which only God can be, just as I tried to mold Moosie into Lassie? It won’t succeed. Only the Good Shepherd can guide and care for you as you need.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

Psalm 23:1-3a

 

Part three of a five-part message accompanying chapter 2 of The Story

Years ago I decided that any time I said something negative about someone to a person who didn’t need to know, I would go to the person I’d talked to and say, “When I told you about so-and-so, I was gossiping and that was wrong. I apologize, and I ask that you not let the story go further.” I dreaded doing this, but I knew it was the least I could do to repay my debt to the person I’d wronged.

Ruben's painting of Jacob and Esau reconciling

Peter Paul Rubens, "The Reconciliation of Jacob and Esau," 1624

It’s often hard to admit our wrongs. We may fear losing face or suffering retaliation. Some people avoid those they’ve wronged at all costs. Yet Jesus said we should make things right with those who have something against us even before we bring God gifts (Matthew 5:23–24). This was Jacob’s predicament as he paused before the river separating him from Esau.

In my last two posts we saw that God told Jacob to go home, a place he’d fled twenty years before because his brother Esau vowed to kill him. Jacob courageously started on his way, but panicked when he heard Esau was coming with four hundred men. He stopped franticly planning long enough to pray and repeat God’s promise to him.

Apparently during Jacob’s prayer time, the Holy Spirit encouraged him to make amends. After all, the split between Esau and him was his fault: he had deceitfully defrauded his brother.

Isn’t that a common result of prayer? The Holy Spirit reminds us of the issues we haven’t really dealt with appropriately and tugs our conscience, reminding us we actually have to make things right. Jacob’s return home required another courageous step.

Repay Debts

Jacob stayed up that night and selected a gift for his brother Esau (Genesis 32:13). Officially, he didn’t owe Esau anything: his father’s oral blessing was legally binding even though Jacob had tricked his dad into thinking he was Esau. But spiritually, he needed to make things right. From all that Jacob had, he separated out that which would make restitution to his brother. In so doing, he let go of the greed that had driven him to defraud Esau.

Coming clean when we’ve wronged someone takes courage. Our pride likes to keep us from admitting our wrongs, and tempts us to justify ourselves by looking at the other person’s wrongs (real or not). But repaying debts we have the means to repay and apologizing for wrongdoing is essential for spiritual growth and healthy relationships.

Jacob couldn’t make up for all the pain he’d caused, but he readied what he could before meeting the challenge that comes next in this series.

Related Posts

Courage: Jacob’s Example Part 1

Courage: Jacob’s Example Part 2

Courage: Jacob’s Example Part 4

Courage: Jacob’s Example Part 5

 

 

Angry, I marched into my co-worker’s gray cubicle and ducked behind its low wall so I wouldn’t be overheard. “They promoted the less-qualified person just because they promised her before we were hired.”

Painting of sea monter by Justin Sweet

"The Eye of Charon" by Justin Sweet. Copyright Justin Sweet. Used by permission.

Her brows furrowed. “Don’t say that! You don’t know their criteria.”

I winced—she was right.

While it was true that the director had told me I was more technically skilled than the gal he’d promoted and his decision was based partly on the VP’s prior promise to the team’s senior member, he also said that those weren’t the only factors considered. He gave me a promotion and raise (“The technical tract is just as important as the managerial tract,” he said), but that didn’t mollify my disappointment much because, frankly, covetousness had seeped in like brackish water and a swirling green serpent now swam in its depths.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We want something—badly. Perhaps a job promotion we’re sure we’re the best for, or a perfect new something we can’t quite afford, or the shining honor, or the relationship with someone special. We’re sure we deserve it, but someone else gets it instead.

And envy slithers into the cold murky water of craving and lifts its searching eyes.

That’s a problem that needs addressing quickly: “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16).

So how do we conquer the sea monster of Envy before its ravenous jaws devour?

1) Repent

Craving what belongs to someone else is coveting, and God’s finger etched “You shall not covet” onto a stone tablet. Envy is sin too because love doesn’t envy (1Co. 13:4). So every time I feel an envious urge, I ask God to forgive both my covetousness and my envy; I pray for his help; and I ask for deliverance from spiritual enemies eager to use my frailty for discord.

2) Dump the “I Deserve More” Attitude

Since God is the ultimate Boss, I know I deserve nothing he doesn’t give me. (Even what I might “deserve” is due only to gifts he’s given me anyway.) Besides, God tells me not to seek earthly honors, but rather to seek honor from him. Phil. 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” In my situation, that didn’t mean I should consider my new boss’s programming skills better than mine (she wasn’t a programmer), but it did mean I should consider her more worthy of honor. I committed myself to respect, honor, and support her.

3) Submit to God

God could have worked it out for me to get the position, but he didn’t. So I submitted to his will and trusted that he had me where he wanted me to be, and when he wanted me elsewhere, he’d work out the details. He promises that if I seek his kingdom and his righteousness first, he’ll give me everything else I need (Mat. 6:33), so I made those my focus. I did the best job I could, and I looked for ways to further his kingdom.

After all, I work for God. Whether I’m successful doesn’t depend on the world’s standard of elevated position, but whether I’m doing my best for God in whatever position I find myself, even if it’s lowly (2Co. 10). After all, Jesus said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mk. 9:34).

4) Don’t Think Too Highly of Myself

We all know people with unjustifiably high opinions of themselves. In humbling times, it’s good to examine whether we’re following Paul’s command: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment” (Rom. 12:3). While it was true I had better technical skills and a mite bit more management experience, when I thought about it, I realized that didn’t mean I would be better at this job. She definitely had stronger relationships throughout the company, and, well, she took things in stride better than I.

5) Pray for the Success of Those I’ve Envied

When the Babylonians took the Jews captive, Jeremiah told the exiles to pray for the prosperity of their new city, for if it prospered, so would they (Jer. 29:7). What? Pray for the nation whose might they envied despite the fact that the Babylonians were wicked and undeserving? Yes, that’s what God said. I began praying for my new boss to succeed. I quickly learned that praying for the success of someone I’ve envied transforms my attitude.

In fact, while it was important in that secular job, it’s even more important in ministry. God calls each of us to play a part in the big scheme of what he’s doing in the world, and praying for others’ success in what God calls them to do focuses our eyes on God’s kingdom, not our own. After all, that’s our purpose in his kingdom, isn’t it?

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. ~1 Peter 2:1

What helps you dispel envy?