Tag Archive for: betrayal

Today’s post is by Donna Jones


That relationship. Yeah, that one. When you began the relationship, you didn’t sign up for heartache or headaches, did you?

Oh sure, you know conflict is part of life. Everyone knows. What you didn’t know then was how deeply the spouse, child, friend, coworker, or church would wound you.

But here you are. The conflict happened. Or is happening.

The hurt is real. So is the anger. And the confusion.

Conflict and the resulting hurt, resentment, disunity, and bitterness that often accompany it, is one of the devil’s most effective tools to destroy families, friendships, churches, our inner peace, and our witness to the world.

Enter the need for forgiveness.

Years ago, my husband and I worked for a thriving church. However, when the senior pastor decided to retire things changed. Factions developed as people jockeyed for power. We ended up devastated and deeply wounded.

As a result, I struggled with anger, resentment, and forgiveness. I knew Jesus commanded me to forgive as I had been forgiven, but I wrestled with how to forgive. Frankly, my heart felt like someone had taken a giant sledgehammer and shattered it into a million pieces. I often found myself wondering, how does a fractured person extend forgiveness? 

In Matthew 6:12, Jesus taught us to pray: “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.”  In Colossians 3:13 we’re instructed to “[bear] with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Forgiveness is a hallmark of a believer’s life.

Donna Jones

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Sometimes, forgiveness can be downright hard.

One evening I tiptoed my way into vulnerability and shared my private struggle with the worship pastor’s wife. “I know God tells me to forgive, and I want to forgive because I know I should. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can.” My confession revealed guilt and shame layered like globs of icky, black tar on my broken heart.

She placed her gentle hands on my shoulders, turned me to face her, eye to eye, and looked at me with complete compassion.

“I want you to listen to me. The fact that you want to learn to forgive pleases God. He’ll show you how.”

In that moment, the process of healing and forgiveness began.

The first step to forgiving is wanting to learn how—if only because God says we should.

But perhaps you’re in a place where your wounds are so deep you don’t want to forgive. Maybe the idea of forgiveness seems unfair. Possibly the thought of forgiveness makes you mad.

May I gently place my hand on your shoulders and whisper something to you? Pray for the “want to.” Start there.

Biblically, to forgive means “to let go.” When we choose to forgive, we let go of our right to get even and we allow God to take over. We let go of our bitterness. We let go of our resentment. We let go of our propensity to bring up the past as an ongoing assault of guilt and shame.

It’s been said that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” The consequences for unforgiveness are lethal.

If we refuse to forgive, we eventually become bitter, resentful, or self-righteous people. When unforgiveness reigns unfettered, our joy, contentment, and usefulness to God die slow, painful deaths. The conflict we wish would go away lives on in our hearts, minds, and souls. Ironically, our perpetrator pays no price for the poison in our soul.

As long as we cling to unforgiveness, we remain chained to past hurt. We live enslaved, revisiting the incident in our minds over and over, wondering how to unshackle the chain.

The choice to forgive loosens the chain and sets us free.

However, the choice to forgive will feel difficult—maybe even impossible—if we falsely believe (1) that forgiveness means offering the offender a free pass to hurt us again or (2) that forgiveness means saying, “What you did to me was no big deal.”

On the contrary: forgiveness means the offense was such a big deal it cost Jesus His life.

Since forgiveness is not giving our offender a free pass to hurt us again, the choice to forgive shouldn’t be equated with the choice to trust or be reconciled. Forgiveness takes one person, but trust and reconciliation take two.

After years of working through forgiveness, here’s what I know: forgiveness is a command, forgiveness is a choice, and forgiveness is a process.

Inviting Jesus into the process of forgiveness makes it easier. After all, Jesus is the Master Forgiver. What’s more, Jesus understands betrayal, heartache, rejection, being misunderstood, physical abuse, abandonment, being despised, and false accusations, just to name a few. Our Savior is called “a man of sorrows . . . acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3 ESV). Hebrews 4:15 also tells us Jesus understands and empathizes with our human condition.

You can simply say, “Jesus, I invite You into my heartache.”

When we invite Jesus into our pain and ask Him to help us to forgive, Jesus doesn’t shame; Jesus sympathizes.

Jesus leans toward us, wraps His loving arms around us, and tenderly whispers, “I know. I’ve felt it too. I understand, and I can help.”

Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life by Donna Jones

If you find yourself struggling with the forgiveness process, picture your hand in a clenched fist. Better yet, make a fist right now. Envision the issue that wounded you—the one you know you need to forgive but can’t quite find it in your heart to do so—inside your tightly held fingers, resting on your palm. Each finger represents a reason you haven’t let go: it wasn’t fair; they got away with it; they skipped off to a new life, leaving you with their baggage; you want them to feel as badly as you do; they sinned while you tried not to; they need to make it right; you want them to pay for what they did; they treated you wrong. The list could go on.

Now, gently unfurl each finger, one by one, until the core offense lays bare.

Turn your hand over and drop the offense into the nail-scarred hands of Jesus.

That’s forgiveness.

It’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate the process of forgiveness, but don’t throw up your hands in despair and stop choosing to forgive, even if it takes time. Remember, forgiveness is both a choice and a process. If you follow God’s ways, if you invite Him into your hurt, and if you keep choosing to forgive, one day you’ll wake up with the realization that unforgiveness no longer has a hold on you. The process of forgiveness will have morphed into actual forgiveness.

The enemy’s strategy to destroy will be defeated.

And you’ll be free.


This article is an excerpt from Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a Biblical Guide for Communicating Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and Zero Regret by Donna Jones (Thomas Nelson, 2024). (This is an affiliate link.)

Donna Jones is a pastor’s wife, Bible teacher, national speaker, and author who’s passionate about helping others know God’s Word so it can change their life, their relationships, and their world. Find lots of free resources at www.donnajones.org, and connect with her on Instagram @donnaajones.

Related Posts

  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

Review of 9 books

Summer reading pile

Here I review nine of my favorite books from this summer’s reading pile. They range from serious to downright fun in these categories:

  • Consciousness, the Soul & the Brain
  • Worship & Art
  • Christian Living
  • Inspirational Fiction

Consciousness, the Soul & the Brain

Review:  The Soul: How We know It’s Real and Why It Matters

By J. P. Moreland

Reading Level: College
I loved this slim book. It made sense of the many verses about the soul. The chapter on what the Bible teaches on the soul is terrific and worth the price of the book by itself. Chapter Four: The Reality of the Soul uses philosophical arguments to prove the soul’s existence, but if you lack a background in philosophy or symbolic logic, you could skip this chapter. Then the final chapter on the future of the human person discusses Near Death Experiences as well as what the Bible teaches on the afterlife. While the vocabulary is sometimes steep, every chapter ends with a review of key concepts and key vocabulary, so that makes it doable.

Here’s a quotation that gives the gist of Moreland’s position (page 51):

Old Testament teaching about life after death is best understood in terms of a diminished though conscious form of disembodied personal survival in an intermediate state.

Review: Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School

By John Medina

Reading Level: College
This was a thoroughly fun and informative book. The 12 rules explore the way factors affect the brain: exercise, sleep, stress, wiring, attention, memory, sensory integration, vision, music, gender, and exploration. Medina includes lots of case studies and lots of ideas to enhance learning. He advises both teachers and parents on how to help others learn. He shatters myths. Here’s a sample (191):

When it comes to both recognition memory and working memory, pictures and text follow very different rules. Put simply, the more visual the input becomes, the more likely it is to be recognizedand recalled. It’s called the pictorial superiority effect.

I happened to finish this book while I was also reading J. P. Moreland’s book on the soul, making for an interesting juxtaposition of one scientist attributing the wonders of the brain to evolution, and the other to God.

Worship & Art

Review: Word Pictures: Knowing God Through Story & Imagination

By Brian Godawa

Reading level: College
This is a fascinating look at balancing reason with imagination when expressing faith. An award-winning screenwriter, Godawa begins by explaining how he used to try to argue people into the faith through reason and logic alone, but often fell short. He examines the Bible’s use of story and art, and talks about art (and rejection of art) in church history. Then he looks at how the arts can be used to present the gospel message. He says (72):

Our Western bias toward rational discourse can too easily blind us to the biblical power of story and word pictures to embody truth.

Every chapter uses a different typeface, giving each its own feel. Pictures adorn most pages, nicely supporting his points. I highly recommend this book for anyone looking to use the various arts to spread the gospel, including literary, visual, and performing arts.

Review: Complete Guide to Bible Journaling: Creative Techniques to Express Your Faith

By Joanne Fink & Regina Yoder

Reading Level: High School
My co-authors, Pam Farrel and Karla Dornacher, introduced me to Bible journaling. Wanting to learn more, I ordered this terrific book. It begins with an explanation of what Bible journaling is (8):

In its simplest definition, Bible journaling is a way to express your faith creatively. Putting pen to paper is a great way to remember and record biblical concepts that are meaningful and relevant to your life.

The book explains tools and techniques, profiles 11 artists (including Karla!), and presents a gallery of different artists’ works. The artists share how turning Scripture into art helps them meditate on God’s word, apply it to their lives, and remember Scripture. This is a great book for anyone wanting to use art to creatively express Scripture.

Review: Whitework with Colour (Milner Craft Series)

By Trish Burr

Reading Level: High School
I’ve always loved whitework embroidery, which historically uses white thread on a white background worked in a variety of stitches that provide texture and shades. Burr adds a bit of color to her whitework, and it makes for gorgeous pieces.

This beautiful, full color book begins with the basics of whitework: materials, preparation, color, and stitches. Then it moves into 17 projects separated by difficulty level. The projects include patterns to trace, stitch diagrams, thread keys, and instructions. The instructions are easy to follow, and she provides videos on her website.

I’d already begun a whitework project before I received this for my birthday, and the book’s instructions greatly improved my stitches. I used the techniques to embroider the Psalm 73 bookmark from my book, Discovering Hope in the Psalms. (I’d already colored the background before I decided to try whitework.)

Christian Living

Review: Tattered and Mended: The Art of Healing the Wounded Soul

By Cynthia Ruchti

Reading Level: High School
What a gem this is! The author’s prose sings as she compares the ways artists restore damaged art with the ways God restores damaged souls. Each chapter unfolds as a hope-filled parable. Then the book concludes with comforting advice to those in the mending process. What I like best is the value Ruchti observes in tattered art and wounded souls as each awaits restoration.

As God mended what had been broken in meboth in body and spiritI began to see that he wasn’t merely replacing faded material or restitching seams that had loosened. He was embroidering a design that would forever remind me of the story of what I’d been through … and how near he drew.

Review: Mentoring for All Seasons: Sharing Life Experiences & God’s Faithfulness

By Janet Thompson

Reading Level: High School

This is the best book I’ve read on spiritual mentoring, hands down. Janet Thompson begins with an introduction explaining how she came to start a mentoring ministry. Section One explains the biblical call to mentor, how churches can avoid generation gaps in their ministries, and the basics of connecting mentors with mentees.

Section Two Describes life seasons and the type of mentoring women need in each season. For each season, Thompson gives tips for both mentors and mentees, Scriptures to discuss, personal stories from mentors and mentees, a short Bible story, and discussion questions. I particularly liked Thompson’s guidelines for establishing boundaries so no one feels like they’re being asked for more time than they’ve agreed to give, and for making sure expectations are clearly discussed up front.

The epilogue finishes with a variety of short topics such as tips on choosing a mentor, setting realistic expectations, Do’s and Don’ts, mentor vulnerability, advice for when mentoring is hard, and resources.

I highly recommend this book for Christian women who want to both grow spiritually and help others grow.

Review: Messy Beautiful Love: Hope and Redemption for Real-Life Marriages

By Darlene Schacht

Reading Level: High School
Darlene Schacht begins with the powerful story of her husband discovering she had had an affair and his decision to offer grace. Then she reveals the vulnerable story of how they put their marriage back together piece by piece, with God’s help. After the introductory chapter, each chapter focuses on one key concept for making marriage work, such as “Appreciate Him for Who He Truly Is.” The writing is tender and encouraging, never overbearing. Here’s a sample (174):

Contentment requires us to trade personal and immediate gratification for a heightened sense of appreciation.

I recommend this book for any newlywed or any wife looking to improve her marriage.

Inspirational Fiction

Review: Turtles in the Road: A Novel

By Rhonda Rhea & Kaley Rhea

Reading Level: High School
This is a sweet, delightful romantic comedy with hilarious dialog. Two Christians try to follow God’s plan for their lives. But they fumble a bit in the funniest of ways. Then friends and a wise older couple step in with words of wisdom as a romance slowly and sweetly develops. This is the relaxing, funny kind of book I like to read just before bedtime. And on Kindle, it’s $2.99!

Here’s the opening paragraph:

Normally a nice long solo drive had a calming effect on Piper. All alone, no interruptions, just her, the Lord, and the open road. She’d done some of her best thinking on long road trips. Some of her best praying. Some of her worst singing.

9 Book Reviews in 4 categories: Soul & Brain; Worship & Art; Christian Living; Inspirational Fiction Click To Tweet

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What’s the ultimate reason behind unforgiveness? Part 5 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Forgiving without excusing is hard, so hard it sometimes seems unforgiveness won’t ever let go.

When I stopped excusing my mother’s actions as based on ignorance and inability to help herself, I had to learn something new: forgiving without excusing. I made good progress when I prayed in ways that bolstered faith in God’s promises and good care. The anger eased significantly. But it still sometimes flared unexpectedly.

Unforgiveness & a Cry for Help

Then one day it erupted in a way that scared me. I was driving my pale blue Toyota Corolla to work as the sun was just rising, when I spied a girl in a steel blue school uniform skipping gaily, two perfect dark braids bouncing on her carefully pressed short-sleeved shirt.

Her mother loves her, I thought. And then, I hate her!

In that moment I feared what I would become if I didn’t forgive my mother: filled with hatred and jealousy towards those who had what I wanted, even if they hadn’t wronged me. My stomach churned as I realized I had it in me to be like her. In my pride, I hadn’t thought that possible. Though I might never hurt a child as she did, if I harbored hatred I would be like her.

Suddenly, I wondered when she first chose not to forgive. Had she stood at the same crossroads, but made the easier choice and let bitterness seep in, not knowing it would spread and finally rule?

I clenched the steering wheel in desperation. “God, I don’t want to become like my mother. Help me forgive!”

Unforgiveness & a Cry for Justice

Unforgiveness finds Justice in the Crucifixion

The Crucifixion (Rembrandt [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

I considered how Jesus compared forgiving sin to forgiving a debt, and thought perhaps if I prayed aloud to release her from her debt—for God not to punish her for her sins—that might equal forgiveness even if my emotions dallied.

“God, I want you not to punish—” Do I? “No! That’s not what I want! I want Justice!”

And then I understood. More quietly I finished, “But I also want to be forgiven.” I paused as I remembered my ugliest sins.

I turned onto the freeway. Ahead, the morning sun had risen above the horizon. “God, I know my many sins against you far outweigh hers against me. So I pray that you draw my mother to know you, and if she receives Jesus as her Savior, then Justice will be done by his shed blood. And if she rejects Jesus, then Justice will be done when her sins are held against her. I forgive her as I want to be forgiven, and leave her in your hands.”

At that moment I knew it wasn’t mine to determine whether my mother received eternal forgiveness. That was between her and God. It wasn’t even mine to know to what degree my mother’s actions were intentional: Only God sees the heart.

In my heart, mercy had triumphed over judgment.

Peace washed up and through me. Yes, Justice would be done. I was humbled by the glimpse of the depths to which I could fall without God’s grace. And I was no longer angry. I truly wanted God to give my mother the same grace I wanted him to give me.

Unforgiveness Stripped Away

That was many years ago. Neither the jealousy nor the rage returned. As new affronts came—whether from her or others—the lessons learned through forgiving my mother helped me continue to forgive without excusing.

How Excusing Sin Leads to Unforgiveness

In time I understood how excusing sin actually produced the pride that prevented forgiving. I had initially excused my mother’s wrongs by telling myself she didn’t know better; after all, no sane person would purposefully and knowingly harm children. Thus, my siblings and I were safe from repeating her actions because we knew better. We were better than she because we had superior knowledge.

When my false belief that she didn’t know better collapsed, its sister belief changed slightly: “My siblings and I and most people I know would never purposefully and knowingly harm children.” Now, we were better than she innately.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn & why unforgiveness is unwarranted

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (by Verhoeff, Bert / Anefo [CC BY-SA 3.0 nl (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/nl/deed.en)], via Wikimedia Commons)

And that was the pride blocking forgiveness: this subconscious sense that I was somehow better than she and therefore more deserving of mercy. When I wasn’t.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who suffered eight years in a Soviet gulag, asked this about those who committed genocide:

Where did this wolf-tribe appear from among our people? Does it really stem from our own roots? Our own blood?

It is our own.

And just so we don’t go around flaunting too proudly the white mantle of the just, let everyone ask himself: “If my life had turned out differently, might I myself not have become just such an executioner?”

It is a dreadful question if one answers it honestly.[i]

If I answer honestly, then I know that if my life had turned out differently (especially if I hadn’t come to Christ), I could have murdered or abused or terrorized or done any number of things I’ve escaped. I could have been like my mother. Because I’m not innately better. And therefore not more deserving of mercy.

We can Choose to Forgive

We can choose to forgive because forgiving is about more than one relationship with an offender: It’s about future relationships; about healing us; and about participating in divine Justice and Mercy.

The ultimate reason behind unforgiveness Click To Tweet

How excusing sin leads to unforgiveness Click To Tweet

[i] Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago, 73.

Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
How do we take hold of faith to forgive when forgiving is tough? Part 4 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Some sins are relatively easy to forgive: unintentional sins and minor wrongs, for instance. Other sins are much harder. Here are four that require faith to forgive.

It takes Faith to Forgive Sins that Cause Great Loss

When we lose possessions, relationships, health, or dreams because of someone’s sin, we’ll need faith to forgive: faith that we cannot lose anything of eternal value. Our heavenly treasures can be neither stolen nor destroyed (Matthew 6:19-21).

Martyrs had faith to forgive

Many early Christians lost everything (Konstantin Flavitsky, 1862, public domain)

I once lost a position after someone lied about me; I also lost relationships. I had to in faith believe that our losses and hurts here will not harm us in ways God cannot redeem. After all, God does work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). Indeed, when we suffer loss and hardship with faith, we gain an eternal reward (1 Peter 1:6-72 Corinthians 4:17).

Our earthly losses are losses of temporal things only. We must let them go, for holding onto grudges over things lost makes those things idols raised above obeying God. Because of their faith, the first Christians “joyfully accepted” the plundering of their property because they knew that they “had a better possession and an abiding one” in the life to come (Hebrews 10:34).

It takes Faith to Forgive Malicious Slander

False and malicious slander is a fiery dart in the hand of the jealous, the power hungry, the fame seeker, the revenge taker, and the self-justifier. When aimed at us, we need faith to forgive: faith that believes only God’s opinion matters. Like Paul, we must consider others’ judgments “a very small thing” (1 Corinthians 4:1-5).

Jesus had faith to forgive false accusers

False witnesses accuse Jesus before the ruling council (José Madrazo, 1803, public domain)

A leader who believed the lies I mentioned above expressed harsh words about me. I memorized and quoted 1 Corinthians 4:1-5 regularly. I imagined myself holding up a giant shield of faith between me and the fiery darts of his judgments. The shield extinguished the darts, blocked them from piercing me, and moved my eyes from them onto our Redeemer.

Jesus warned that we would be unfairly maligned: “If the head of the house has been called Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household! So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known” (Matthew 10:25-26). We don’t need to harbor unforgiveness because God can and will reveal the truth. His timing is perfect, even if the truth isn’t revealed till the Judgment.

It takes Faith to Forgive Wrongs Committed Over and Over and OVER

When family members or friends apologize, but keep doing the same things, they appear insincere. After all, repentance means trying to change. It takes faith to forgive repeatedly. In fact, when Jesus told the apostles they must forgive others over and over, they responded, “Increase our faith!” (Luke 17:3-5).

Jesus had faith to forgive Peter denying him 3 times

Peter denied Jesus 3 times (Carl Heinrich Bloch, 1873, public domain)

I doubt there’s anyone who hasn’t faced repeated wrongs. When my husband and I were dating, we agreed to never bring up a past wrong once we’ve said, “I forgive you.” To respond to an apology with, “But this is the fifth time,” is not loving, for love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Besides, bringing up past offenses separates even close friends, while putting forgiven faults behind us seeks love (Proverbs 17:9).

To forgive, I have to let go of that part of me which protests, “If she really cared, she wouldn’t keep doing this,” because how much someone loves me isn’t the point. That’s between her and God. My relationships aren’t about other people being what I want them to be: They’re about me being what God wants me to be.

Moreover, haven’t we all come to God confessing the same thing over and over again? We must grant the mercy we wish to receive. Only God knows the heart—which is why my part is to forgive and leave ultimate justice to God.

It takes Faith to Forgive Betrayal

Who hasn’t been betrayed by someone trusted? When we’re betrayed, it takes faith to forgive: faith that believes God rewards repaying hatred with love. Jesus calls us to love our enemies, do good to them, bless them, and pray for them, for God will greatly reward us (Luke 6:27-35).

Joseph had faith to forgive his brothers' betrayal

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery (Konstantin Flavitsky, 1855, public domain)

When betrayed, we must remember no one can circumvent God’s good plans for us (Romans 8:28-31). After I learned that my mother knew her sins against me and my siblings were wrong, I prayed for insight into why the anger held on even though I’d tried to forgive her.

My Right?

It struck me that part of the reason is that I had considered parental love and goodness a right. God commands them, to be sure. But God had adopted me and I had a new, perfect Parent who was giving me all I needed: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close” (Psalm 27:10).

Beyond God’s Redemption?

I pondered further. Had I lost anything that God couldn’t work for good? No, Joseph’s story showed that (Genesis 50:20), and I’d already seen some good come from it in that others with similar backgrounds were more open to talk to me about Christ. Had I lost anything of eternal worth? No, heavenly treasures can’t be destroyed or stolen (Matthew 6:19-20). Everything that’s of this earth alone will pass away, so if I haven’t lost anything of eternal worth, then in the long run I haven’t actually lost anything.

A Prayer of Faith

In faith I chose to believe that God could use my mother’s betrayal for good, not just for me, but also for others (2 Corinthians 1:4). I prayed, “God, I trust you to work my mother’s wrongs for good for me, my siblings, and others. Keep the three of us from repeating her sins. Thank you for opening my eyes to know you. Thank you for the ways I’ve already seen you work good from my past.”

The anger finally began to subside.

Yet for this betrayal, I needed one more step. That’s the topic of my next post.

4 sins that take faith to forgive Click To Tweet

How do we take hold of faith to forgive when forgiving is tough? Click To Tweet

It takes faith to forgive betrayal Click To Tweet

Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

To forgive, combine confessing and forgiving as Jesus taught. Part 3 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Jesus said something astonishing in the Lord’s Prayer about confessing and forgiving. He said we should pray,

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Matthew 6:12

In so doing, he linked confessing and forgiving. He followed up with this:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14–15

New Testament scholar D. A. Carson says, “There is no forgiveness for the one who does not forgive. How could it be otherwise? His unforgiving spirit bears strong witness to the fact that he has never repented” (Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and His Confrontation with the World, 75).

Confessing and forgiving in "Return of the Prodigal Son"

A wayward son finds forgiveness and his father’s embrace in “Return of the Prodigal Son” by Rembrandt Harmensz van Rijn (circa 1668)

Confessing and forgiving are strongly connected. True repentance is the necessary path to true forgiveness, for those who haven’t honestly and deeply repented of their own sins lack the capacity to forgive others.

Previously

In my last two posts, I discussed what forgiving isn’t and said that the first step towards forgiving is committing to forgive. I began the story of how I realized that I had been excusing my mother’s sin by saying, “I forgive her because she doesn’t know better.” When the fact that she had known better bowled over my excuses, I felt betrayed. Rage overcame me. Instead of excusing sin, I needed to do the much harder job of forgiving sin.

Confessing and Forgiving Come Before Confronting

When we’ve committed to forgive, the next step is not confronting those who’ve sinned against us in the hope they’ll apologize and make forgiving easier. Tim Keller explains why: “Only if you first seek inner forgiveness will your confrontation be temperate, wise, and gracious. Only when you have lost the need to see the other person hurt will you have any chance of actually bringing about change, reconciliation, and healing” (The Reason for God, 197). Yes, Jesus said to talk to Christians who’ve sinned against us (Matthew 18), but we must forgive first.

The next step is to pray to forgive in the way Jesus taught: “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). The prayer’s order is essential: confessing and forgiving.

Confessing and Forgiving: “Forgive Us our Debts”

When I need to forgive someone, I begin by confessing my own sins. This reminds me of the grace I need and thus prepares my heart to offer grace. Without regular confession, pride slithers in, and pride doesn’t forgive.

1) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Recent Sins

I ask the Holy Spirit to reveal my sins, and then I allow my mind to skim over the events of the last day or so. If anything causes a twitch in my conscience, then I stop and ask the Holy Spirit to show me if I’ve done wrong. I ask him to remind me of verses that might apply.

If I’ve sinned, then I name the sin and confess it to my heavenly Father along with a Scripture that applies: “Father, I took up a reproach against Kathy. But Psalm 15 says those who draw near to you must not take up a reproach against a friend. I confess this was wrong and I ask for your forgiveness.”

It’s important to name the sin so I don’t treat it lightly.

2) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Similar Sins

Jesus taught confessing and forgiving

The Hundred Guilder Print, by Rembrandt

Next I ask the Holy Spirit to show me if I’ve ever committed the same sin I’m about to forgive. Most often I have. If not, I look for similar sins.

With my mother, some offenses I had surely repeated, but no, I’d never committed some of the worse offenses. I had, however, intentionally hurt others. One example rushed to mind: at twelve I lied to my friend Kathy’s mother to get her in trouble.

Initially, I wanted to excuse this because I was retaliating. She had told our schoolmates that she had seen my mother hitting my head as I tried to get out the door on the way to school. She told them that there must be something terribly wrong about me for my mother to hate me like that. I was furious and wanted to pay her back by proving her mother hated her too. Was that a good excuse? No. God judges us by how we judge others, not how we judge ourselves. I had intentionally tried to hurt someone. I needed grace, and I needed to give it.

Besides, retaliation is itself a sin. Kathy may have hurt me unintentionally when she gossiped (at twelve, she may not have known her words would wound). But I believed it wrong; when I retaliated, I did what I believed was wrong. That’s always sin:

For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things.
Romans 2:1

3) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Associated Sins

I ask the Holy Spirit if I have sinned in any way that is associated with the sin of the person I want to forgive. For instance, if there was a disagreement, did I misspeak in any way? If so, I need to not only confess that to God, but I need to apologize to the person for my part in the difficulty, no matter how small.

In the case of my mother, at the moment I discovered she had known her actions were wrong I hadn’t reacted in any sinful way. But something was nagging me about Kathy. I remembered that when my mother saw Kathy watching her, she ducked behind the kitchen cabinets. I had realized then that she knew her actions were wrong. There was another time, too, when a security guard threatened to call the police if he ever saw her speed around hairpin mountain roads with us in the back of the car again: she turned red and hung her head in shame.

Speaking Truth in the Heart

In my heart, I had known she wronged us intentionally. Why then had I grabbed so quickly to my teacher’s explanation that abusive parents were either ignorant or abused? Besides, it didn’t even make sense biblically. Jealousy drove Cain to kill Abel, not ignorance or wrongful hurts. My teacher was wrong: ignorance and hurt aren’t the only reasons people hurt others; we can, like Cain, choose sin.

I’d lied to myself and to God. Why? Partly because I held the false belief that thinking bad things about people made me a horrible person. But also because I believed good Christians forgive and good Christians aren’t filled with rage. Clinging to the lie pushed the anger underground and let me believe I was a good Christian doing the right thing.

I confessed my lie and the presence of anger and rage I knew shouldn’t be there.

My prayers changed that day: I started examining my emotions as I prayed so I could be utterly honest about what was inside me. Such honest prayer was humbling: it forced me to admit I’d thought too highly of myself.

Confessing and Forgiving: “As We Forgive our Debtors”

When I’ve confessed my sins, I pray, “Forgive me my sins as I forgive those who sin against me.” Then in prayer I move to forgive those who’ve sinned against me.

1) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal the Truth about What I’m Forgiving

Rather than brushing all sin under the carpet of unintentional, I now try to understand whether the evidence supports intentional or unintentional sin. Because “Love … believes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7), I give the person the benefit of the doubt based on the actual evidence. I refuse to judge hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts
1 Corinthians 4:5

This helps me forgive what actually happened. Forgiving something that didn’t happen isn’t true forgiving. Scripture calls sin a debt, and we can err on both sides of the debt equation. If someone owes me $1,000 dollars and I accuse her of owing me $10,000, then I will have a difficult time forgiving because doing so demands that I hold to a fantasy of having been wronged more than I have. On the other hand, If someone owes me $1,000 and I offer forgiveness for $100, the hundred is easier to forgive, but it requires I hold to the lie that the other $900 wasn’t taken.

Christ preaching on confessing and forgiving

Christ Preaching (La Petite Tombe), by Rembrandt

Either way, the truth has a way of poking through lies.

Those who wish to dwell with God must speak truth in their hearts (Psalm 15:2). If what we’re forgiving is unintentional sin, then we must forgive it as such. If we’re forgiving intentional, even malicious, sin, as much as it hurts, we must acknowledge it.

2) Name the Person and the Sin

When in prayer I forgive someone, I name the person and the sin:

  • “God, I forgive Kathy for gossiping about me”
  • “I forgive my mother for driving at high speeds around hairpin turns while drunk with us in the backseat”

Naming people individually keeps me from letting this be a flippant exercise rather than part of worship. Naming the sin ensures that what I’m forgiving is an actual sin. If I cannot name the sin according to what it’s called in the Bible, then I confess that I have held something against someone that was not a sin and ask the Holy Spirit to show me why I’ve done so. Naming the actual sin often leads to meditation on why God calls that action sin. It also leads me to the next prayer part.

Confessing and Forgiving: Ask God to Forgive Me as I Forgive

I then ask God to forgive me as I forgive this person: “I forgive my mother as I want you to forgive me; I give her the grace you’ve given me.”

This prayer does not mean forgiving others causes God to forgive me, as if I must pay for forgiveness (a paltry payment indeed, compared to what really bought my forgiveness). Rather, it reminds me of what my Lord wants me to do so I may do it at once.

***

In most cases, confessing and forgiving as I’ve outlined here is all I need do. But if I’ve suffered a great loss, I must pray three more prayers.

Confessing and forgiving are linked because true forgiving requires true repentance Click To Tweet

Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
Forgiving isn’t always what we think it is. Part 1 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Forgiving isn’t managing emotions. Most Christians know Jesus taught that we must forgive. But when anger and hurt linger, we sometimes turn to forgiveness substitutes that merely manage our emotions—and not all that well.

Here are five stand-ins that masquerade as forgiveness.

Forgiving Isn’t Pretending

One of my most vivid, recurring nightmares was about me lying in my bed as a man and woman quietly opened the door to my bedroom to see if I were asleep. In the nightmare, I watched them through nearly closed eyes as I pretended to sleep, repeating over and over again in my head, “I’ve got to pretend I didn’t hear or they’ll kill me; I’ve got to pretend I don’t remember or they’ll kill me.”

Our childhood home was violent. Pretending nothing happened was required.

But pretending nothing happened isn’t forgiving because forgiving is always based on truth.

When I started dating Clay, I brought the habit of pretending into our relationship. He’d ask if something were wrong and I’d respond, “No, everything is fine.” I thought telling myself everything was fine and making myself believe everything was fine was the same as being fine. Clay never let it pass and always probed. I’d be surprised at the anger that would come out when I tried to talk about things: obviously, everything wasn’t fine.

God wants us to speak truth in our heart (Psalm 15:2, 51:6). Pretending nothing is wrong is not only a lie, it’s a form of holding a grudge. Pretending’s purpose is to make others think you’ve forgotten or forgiven when you haven’t.

Forgiving isn't pretending nothing happened or nothing is wrong Click To Tweet

Forgiving Isn’t Forgetting

As with many authors, movies often play in my head. Years ago I was with a group of ministry leaders when a woman spoke up about her struggles with forgiving an abusive mother. She said, “Maybe I just need to forget.”

Immediately in my mind’s eye I saw a raincoat-clad girl begin to climb down from a boat’s deck as the boat swayed gently in a calm sea. She reached the lower deck and entered a tidy, brightly colored room with yellow walls and a painting of a red boat on a calm, blue sea. On the back wall a dark brown curtain covered a closet. The girl went to retrieve something near the closet.

Suddenly the tip of what looked like an octopus tentacle reached out from beneath the curtain and grabbed her ankle. The girl struggled, but quickly broke loose, overturning a chair as she escaped. However, the tentacle—surely a sea monster’s arm—thrashed around, toppling more furniture and knocking the painting askew before retreating behind the curtain.

Forgiving isn't easy

Jesus said we must forgive

That, I thought, is exactly what happens when you try to forget. Life seems calm and tidy, until something happens that brings you too close to the sea monster memory you’re avoiding. That memory disrupts everything.

Shoving Out of Mind Doesn’t Work

I was skilled at shoving things out of my mind. Perhaps it was because our father claimed he could read our minds and would punish us if he found we were thinking anything bad about him. I believed him. At a hair’s-breadth notice, my mind would blank out every negative experience.

In my twenties, another occurrence of my father’s rage triggered an onslaught of memories and all those shoved-down emotions came roaring back with more intensity than I thought possible.

Doesn’t God Forget Sins?

Sometimes I hear someone say that God forgets when he forgives and so should we. God doesn’t give up his omniscience such that every time a pastor preaches on David and Bathsheba, he declares, “What? I didn’t know David sinned!” In the Bible, when God says he’ll “remember” someone’s sins against him, he means he’ll punish them, and when he says he’ll “forget,” he means he will no longer punish. God knows the depth of what he forgives.

Shoving things out of your mind and trying to forget is merely an ineffective way to manage emotions: ineffective because life will trigger memories along with the accompanying emotions now multiplied.

Forgiving is neither forgetting nor shoving memories out of mind Click To Tweet

Forgiving Isn’t Taking the Blame

Victimizers blame their victims. Unless they repent and turn to Christ for forgiveness, how else can they live with their conscience?

I’ve accepted blame I shouldn’t have; I’ve jumped in with a “That’s my fault” plenty of times when it wasn’t true. Sometimes it was because I mistakenly thought something good or neutral to be bad. But other times I was simply hoping to be liked or looking for the easiest way out of conflict.

Jesus paid the price for our sins; he didn’t say he caused them. We can forgive without taking blame that isn’t ours. Knowingly accepting blame we don’t own is deception, not forgiveness. It’s a sign of being a people-pleaser rather than a God-pleaser.

Forgiving Isn’t Taking Revenge

On the other side, I’ve also given blame I should have owned, justifying cutting words because the other person was “more” wrong or was the first to do wrong. This makes forgiving harder because it requires the other person to take more blame than he or she is due, and most people refuse. Besides, God won’t let anyone truly walking with him get away with such nonsense for long.

It may feel like getting back at someone will make you feel better so you can “forgive,” but it won’t. Revenge escalates matters. Revenge—whether responding tit-for-tat, unleashing anger, or back-biting—exacts payment in place of forgiving. It’s also sin (Rom. 12:19, Col. 3:8).

Forgiving Isn’t Excusing

In my pre-teens and teens, I struggled with anger, particularly towards my mother. I longed to know why she hated me. My mom said it was because I’d ruined her life; my dad said it was because he wanted to hurt her so he told her I was smarter than she. Both answers hurt and I wanted something else: an answer that made neither my mom nor me bad people.

At about fifteen, I read the New Testament. I became a Christian in the middle of the Gospel of John. I read what Jesus said about forgiving, so I prayed, “I forgive,” over every hurt that happened.

At sixteen, I took a psychology class. The nice, graying teacher soothingly said that abusive parents were either abused themselves or just didn’t know better. I finally had an answer. I knew my grandparents weren’t abusive (my aunts have since confirmed that), so I hung on to ignorance: it’s easy to forgive someone who doesn’t know better. The anger washed away.

Until nearly a decade later when I sat in her dark living room with my sister and three-year-old nephew. He started whining that he wanted to go home. Both my sister and I jumped to hush him before my mother yelled or hit him.

She stopped us and said, “This house has a rule: No one is to say an unkind word to him.” I jerked back, stunned. She knew better! Jealousy consumed me and I said I had to leave. For years I had corralled all the anger and hurt behind the fence of “She doesn’t know better,” and now that fence had fallen and the emotions galloped out like horses finally freed.

Unintentional sin is much easier to forgive than intentional sin. But telling ourselves that deliberate sin is involuntary just because it makes it easier to forgive isn’t honest. When it comes to intentional wrongs, we must do the much harder job of forgiving without excusing.

What Forgiving Is

So forgiving isn’t pretending, forgetting, taking wrongful blame, taking revenge, or excusing. So what is it then? That topic begins in my next post.

A brief note is due: My father has changed and no longer has bouts of rage. My mother was prone to depression and was an alcoholic. I believe that before she died, she had deep regrets over many things.

Forgiving isn't excusing Click To Tweet

When it comes to intentional wrongs, we must do the hard job of forgiving w/o excusing Click To Tweet

Are you forgiving or merely managing emotions? Click To Tweet

Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

Terrorists murder and maim. Con artists bilk the elderly. The rich exploit the poor. Abusers scar children. The promiscuous mock the chaste. Liars lock the innocent behind bars. Those who’ve sworn to uphold justice overturn it.

What is our hope in the midst of injustice? Psalm 2 tells us.

It’s a psalm originally composed for singing at the coronations of kings descended from David. It’s one of about ten psalms categorized as royal psalms because they’re about the Davidic monarchy.

Psalm 2:1-3 The root of injustice

Psalm 2:1-3 shows us from where injustice comes

A good, effective king was a cause for rejoicing. Such a king fought wickedness, judged righteously, executed justice, defended the poor, and crushed oppressors. A godly king brought the hope of justice and righteousness to the kingdom.

Since ancient Israel was a type of the heavenly kingdom, and King David was a type of King Jesus, royal psalms often have elements that apply to the kingdom of heaven and to Jesus’ reign. Psalm 2 is no exception, and the New Testament quotes it frequently, applying its words to Jesus, the Son of David. It foretells the crowning of Jesus the Anointed One—the Messiah—so it is also a Messianic psalm.

So what does Psalm 2 tell us?

God Decreed His Son King

Psalm 2:7a is the psalm’s center and tells us the psalm’s theme:

I will tell of the decree:

The rest of the verse explains the decree:

The Lord said to me,
“You are my Son;
today I have begotten you.”

This refers to the decree God made regarding King David. When David wanted to build a temple for the Lord, he asked the prophet Nathan to ask God if that would be acceptable.

That night the Lord spoke to Nathan and told him to tell David no, David would not build a house (that is, a temple) for God, but rather God would build a house (that is, a dynasty) for David. God decreed that he would establish the throne of David’s son’s kingdom forever (2 Samuel 7:13). These sons of David would be called sons of God—a political term in those days because lesser kings (vassals) were called “sons” of the greater king (suzerain) whom they served. David and his sons were to be vassals of God.

The first son of David to reign would be Solomon. Most Bible translations capitalize “Son” so you don’t miss that the last Son is Jesus, not son in the same political sense as David’s other sons—that was mere foreshadowing of the Son of God born of a virgin. It is Jesus’ throne that will last forever.

Well and good, but what does that have to do with the evil we see around us? For that we look back to the beginning of the psalm.

Many Rebel Against the Decree

Psalm 2:1-2 (see figure) tells of a rebellion of those who don’t want to submit to the newly crowned king. Newly crowned kings often faced rebellion from those ready to test their strength. In Jesus’ case, the religious leaders rebelled and turned Jesus over to Rome to be crucified on trumped-up charges. They celebrated, thinking the threat to their authority demolished. They didn’t know God had raised Jesus from the dead and anointed him king on the heavenly Mount Zion.

Psalm 2:10-12 the final answer to injustice

Psalm 2:10-12 Those who refuse God’s Son’s rule will perish, but those who embrace it will be blessed

When Jesus ascended to heaven, his followers proclaimed that Jesus was the Messiah who had sat down at the Father’s right hand. They offered the grace found in Psalm 2’s close: Be wise and warned, serve the Lord God, and “kiss the Son” (that is, pay homage to him as ruler) so that you will not perish, but have eternal life.

Today, Christians continue to spread this message in a world in which most still rebel.

For one day, trumpets will sound and the Lord will return (Matthew 24:31). On that day, it will be seen that all the plotting to reject his rule will be in vain (Psalm 2:1), and every knee will bow. Some will bow as the conquered bow, yielding to the inevitable before perishing. But those who willingly bowed on earth will bow then in gladness and joy, the hope of Jesus’ reign finally come.

“Blessed are all who take refuge in him” (Psalm 2:12). Yes, truly blessed: They will be in Jesus’ kingdom where there will be no injustice, no tears, no pain. All will be made right.

That is our hope in the midst of injustice today.

His Kingdom Comes!

Until that day, we pray, “Maranatha!” There in one word is the cry, “Our Lord, come!” (1 Corinthians 16:22). It encapsulates what Jesus teaches us to pray: “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10).

When we pray for God’s kingdom to come, we express our yearning for that kingdom in which our Lord rules with righteousness and justice. We offer ourselves as obedient servants longing to dwell under his reign. We agree that God’s commands are right and holy, and that justice demands sin’s wages be paid. We give thanks for Jesus paying the penalty for our sins through his death on the cross in order that we might live. We trust that as he rose from the dead, so shall we.

Maranatha!

Adapted from Discovering Hope in the Psalms (Harvest House, 2017)

On Saturday, April 4, 2015, white police officer Michael Slager shot and killed an unarmed black man, Walter Scott. Officer Slager claimed Scott had grabbed his Taser and he had shot in self-defense. The story may have ended there except for one thing.

Feidin Santana, a barber walking to work, saw the officer “controlling” Scott and heard the Taser, so he recorded the unfolding events with his cellphone camera. When Santana later read the officer’s version of what happened, he turned the video over to the victim’s family.

Every cover-up to be revealed at the Judgment

On Judgment Day the Light will shine and every cover-up will be revealed

In the video, as the two men struggled, the Taser apparently drops to the ground, Scott breaks away from Slager and runs. Slager pulls his gun and fires at the fleeing man without warning. Scott falls to the ground some thirty feet away. Slager walks over, handcuffs him, returns to retrieve the Taser, and drops it next to Scott, in an apparent cover-up to make it appear that Scott had taken the Taser.

The family’s lawyer turned the footage over to the NY Times. Immediately after the video was made public, Slager was fired and charged with murder.

What Slager concealed the video revealed. If there’d been no video, Officer Slager’s story might have held.

On earth, that is.

Because here’s the promise that every person who’s been wrongly accused can hold to:

There is nothing concealed
that will not be revealed,
nor hidden
that will not be made known.
Matthew 10:26; Luke 12:2

Jesus said this is why his disciples needn’t fear those who can falsely malign and can kill the body but can’t kill the soul.

There’s a heavenly recording of everything. There’s a final judgment coming.

It’s a promise.

But it’s also a warning: “But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!” (Luke 12:5). We need to walk in the light by shunning hypocrisy, banishing lies, searching our hearts, and keeping our motives pure.

“The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden.” 1 Timothy 5:24-25

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet famously misjudges Mr. Darcy’s motives and severs their friendship and (apparently) her best hope of marital bliss. Indeed, judging motives is the cause of many a damaged relationship. One of the best ways to improve marriages, enhance friendships, get along better with colleagues, and become more winsome when sharing the gospel is to refuse to judge motives!

Judging motives in Pride and Prejudice

Judging motives proves tricky in Pride and Prejudice

I learned this the hard way. Many years ago Clay and I were arguing about something—I don’t remember what—when in frustration I blurted, “You’re only arguing to win, and not because you really mean it.” Ouch. Yeah, I know. But at the time I believed it.

He told me I was judging motives, and I needed to think about what it would feel like if someone said that to me. He was right.

Now, I knew Scripture says not to judge motives (more on that shortly), but somehow it didn’t click that that’s what I was doing before the words came out of my mouth.

What Judging Motives Looks Like

Marital disagreements can spiral out of control when couples divine what they consider to be the “real” motives behind each other’s actions: “The only reason you don’t want to go is you hate my mother”; “You don’t care about my feelings—you just want to impress your boss”; “You didn’t forget what I asked—you wanted to spite me!”

Work and friendships provide plenty of opportunities: “You didn’t call me back because you’re avoiding me”; “She told that story to brag”; “The only reason the boss promoted him instead of me is that the boss likes kiss-ups.”

Church differences can bring out these: “The only reason you don’t agree with me is you’re too arrogant to admit I’m right”; “You believe that only because of your upbringing”; “The pastor didn’t do that because he cares about the church; he did it because it benefits him.”

What’s Wrong with Judging Motives?

Why is judging motives a bad idea?

It’s usually arrogant. Thinking that ours is the only viable position a logical person could take after hearing our dazzling explanations, and so any disagreement must be due to bad motives is, well, arrogant.

It attacks the person rather than the argument. This is a fallacy known as ad hominem, and it’s used mainly by people who’ve run out of logical arguments. It also flies in the face of Scripture’s command to use only words that build up (Eph. 4:29).

It often commits the post hoc fallacy (“after this therefore because of this”). Dismissing a person’s present beliefs as springing only from their past is akin to saying, “Every time we take Mary to the park it rains, so let’s not take Mary to the park anymore.”

It’s always hurtful. I didn’t realize how hurtful my words were until I considered how I would feel if someone said such a thing to me.

It disobeys Scripture. Scripture tells us to stop judging people based on hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5  

It’s often hypocritical. When we’re tempted to judge others’ motives, we need to examine our own motives to make sure we don’t want their motives to be bad so we’ll look better in some way.

Elizabeth Bennet judging motives of Mr.Darcy

Darcy and Elizabeth at Charlotte’s house. Illustration by Hugh Thomson, 1894. (Austen, Jane. “Pride and Prejudice.” London: George Allen, 1894.)

The Benefits of Not Judging Motives

After that argument, I worked at recognizing when I’d begun to judge people’s motives so I could slam on the brakes. A funny thing happened: I became annoyed less often because there was less to be annoyed about. My relationships hit fewer bumps. I learned to ask people to clarify their motives, and discovered new and surprising things about them. Granted, people aren’t always honest about their motives, not even with themselves. But that is their problem with the Lord.

What are some other examples of judging motives?

*****

Disclosure: Clicking the first image will take you to Amazon’s page for streaming the popular 1995 TV mini-series of Pride and Prejudice–free for Prime members!

A young woman recently asked about betrayal:

Learning from betrayalAfter praying and fasting, I clearly felt God’s blessing on a dating relationship. But when we were about to get engaged a year later, he confessed the marriage would be a cover for his active gay lifestyle. How does one get past God letting us think he’s leading us toward something with special blessing, when He’s actually intending something completely different, knowing it’ll cause us pain? I feel God betrayed me. [1]

 

I am so sorry for the pain this man’s betrayal caused. To discover someone we trusted and thought we knew has deceived us is quite a shock, and it’s natural to begin to doubt others’ honesty and intentions when struck like this.

I’m thankful you’re searching for answers. It will take time before you know fully what good God intends to work through this; indeed, you may not know all in this lifetime. In the meantime, immerse yourself in Scriptures. There you’ll see how others handled betrayal, including Jesus, Joseph, David, the patriarchs, and the apostles. You’ll also grow in understanding God and the big picture of what he is doing in this world.

Although there are numerous examples in the Bible of godly people who prayed and yet had life turn out differently than expected, I find Jeremiah the most helpful because of his candor as he worked through his feelings. During a time I dealt with a betrayal, I read Jeremiah repeatedly, finding comfort in knowing my experience was not unique, assurance that betrayal by people does not equal betrayal by God, and hope in God’s power to work great good through suffering.

Here are some of the things God worked in Jeremiah’s life through suffering and betrayal. You may discover God works some of these in your life as well.

God teaches us to discern his voice better

Jeremiah learning from betrayal

“The Prophet Jeremiah” from the Sistine Chapel, by Michelangelo (public domain)

When God first called Jeremiah to be a prophet and gave Jeremiah a message of pending destruction if Judah did not repent, Jeremiah was confused and asked God why he had been deceiving the people by telling them through other prophets that all was going to be well with Judah (Jer. 4:10). God explained the prophets Jeremiah had been listening to had spoken falsely in his name: he had not given them the words of peace and assurance they proclaimed and which merely fit what the people wanted to hear (Jer. 5:12, 31). What Jeremiah had been told were God’s words were not, and God helped him grow in discerning what was from God and what wasn’t.

Even those without the incredible prophetic giftedness of Jeremiah can grow in discerning God’s guidance better. When I was a young Christian, some of the teaching I heard about how to discern God’s will and voice turned out to be wrong, and part of the way I discovered that was through having situations turn out differently than I expected. Since God does not lie, I knew my understanding was mistaken so I sought guidance in Scripture and from God, and I grew, just as Jeremiah did and just as you will.

God teaches us wisdom

One of the ways we become wise and grow in the knowledge of good and evil is by living through the effects of both good and evil. Sometimes when we pray for wisdom, God grants that request by allowing us to go through eye-opening experiences.

As God continued his first message to Jeremiah, Jeremiah cried out in anguish because he did not think his fellow Israelites deserved punishment. God assured him if he could find one honest person in Jerusalem, he would forgive the city (Jer. 5:1). Though Jeremiah searched, he found no one.

Even so, it was years before he understood what God meant by cordial words hiding what is hidden in the heart (Jer. 9:8). Jeremiah did not understand the depths of the depravity around him until his prophetic words tested people’s hearts and he saw their ways with his own eyes (Jer. 6:27, 11:19).

God teaches us discernment about people

Despite God’s warning to Jeremiah not to trust the people around him (Jer. 9:4-6), Jeremiah found it hard not to. When he discovered a plot against his life, his anger burst out not only against his betrayers (Jer. 11:18-20), but against God (Jer. 12:1-4). God exhorted Jeremiah to continue his work, to remember his warnings about whom not to trust, and to trust him for justice (Jer. 12:5-7). Over the 40 years that Jeremiah prophesied, he grew in discerning the wicked (Jehoiakim), the weak (Zedekiah), and the godly (Josiah and Ebed-Melech). He also learned that God was with him even when people betrayed him.

I was betrayed once by a church leader. I had seen warning signs, but wrote them off, naively thinking someone lacking spiritual maturity wouldn’t be in leadership, and that because God loves truth no one would believe the falsehoods going around anyway (I initially thought them correctable mistakes and only later learned they were intentional lies). I learned discernment the hard way. But I also learned God was with me and was teaching me important lessons. God promises to work all things for your good, and you will learn and grow through this too.

God exposes wolves in sheep’s clothing

Early in Jeremiah’s ministry, people didn’t know which prophets to believe, a situation that greatly displeased God. After Jeremiah had prophesied about three decades, the prophet Hananiah came out strongly against him, making it plain that both could not be true prophets (Jer. 28). When Jeremiah pronounced God’s judgment of death on Hananiah for making people trust a lie and Hananiah did die, God exposed the false and true prophets. Godly people knew whom to trust, while the ungodly chalked Jeremiah’s words up to coincidence.

As painful as your situation is, the deception came out before a marriage would make it even more painful. God granted wisdom and exposed a sham. Hopefully this exposure will prevent the man from hurting others.

God strengthens us

When God called Jeremiah to be a prophet, Jeremiah protested that he was a child who didn’t know how to speak. God promised to make him into a bronze wall (Jer. 1:6, 18) that could withstand the attacks of the priests, kings, and people who would fight against him. Apparently, Jeremiah thought this meant he wouldn’t feel the pain of the attacks. When the persecution increased, Jeremiah cried out over his pain and asked if God had deceived him (15:18).

But God had not promised Jeremiah a pain-free ministry. Part of the reason God punishes those who act evilly is that they inflict unjust pain on others. In this instance, God rebuked Jeremiah, called him to repent of his worthless words, and reminded him of his promise to make him a bronze wall that could not be prevailed against (Jer. 15:19-20). Jeremiah had received evidence enough of God’s faithfulness and promises to deserve the rebuke, and he repented.

God did indeed make him into a bronze wall, but not by making him insensitive to pain; rather, he taught him to trust in God’s faithfulness and to endure despite hardship.

God comforts so we can comfort others

Jeremiah suffered insults, mocking, death threats, imprisonments, and beatings. Sorrow at times overwhelmed him (Jer. 5:18). But God cared deeply about Jeremiah’s pain, and he cares about your pain too.

Jeremiah grew spiritually as he saw God’s faithfulness amidst human unfaithfulness, and he came to trust God fully. When his prophecies about the fall of Jerusalem came to pass, he responded not with smugness, but with compassion. He knew by then that the pain of exile was the only way the wayward Hebrews could have hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). He tenderly ministered to the distressed people around him through Lamentations, passing the comfort God gave him on to others (2Co. 1:4).

Through the pain and sorrow, here’s what Jeremiah had learned:

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentations 3:32-33

Draw close to the God of all comfort. I’m praying for you.

  1. [1]The question is edited for brevity and anonymity.
Painting of 'La Tunica de Jose'
‘La Tunica de Jose’ by Jose Vergara Gimeno (1726-1799), collection of Joan J. Gavara (Valencia)

Most of us have been betrayed. Perhaps we were abused as a child, abandoned by a spouse, falsely accused, denied what was promised, lured into trusting the untrustworthy, or deceived into commitment. Betrayal struck Joseph the son of Jacob more than once.

Joseph’s ten older brothers were jealous that their father favored Joseph and sold him into slavery when he was seventeen. He served his slave master Potiphar faithfully, but Potiphar jailed him after hearing a false accusation. An inmate he’d aided forgot his promise to help clear his name, leaving Joseph imprisoned until he was thirty.

Yet Joseph triumphed over these betrayals. How did he do it?

Joseph stayed faithful to God

Joseph lived and spoke in such a way that his faith in God was obvious and caused his new master, Potiphar, to believe Joseph’s successes were God-given (Genesis 39:3). Rather than seeing his hardships as justification for abandoning God, when Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him, Joseph rebuffed her, saying, “How could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” (39:9). In prison and before Pharaoh, Joseph made his faith and trust in God known (40:8, 41:16).

Joseph served faithfully wherever he was

Instead of allowing injustices to poison his attitude, Joseph served Potiphar and the prison warden faithfully and fully. Both promoted him to their most trusted positions (39:4, 22). His faithfulness in low positions developed character as well as administrative and leadership skills he later needed as Pharaoh’s second-in-command.

Joseph embraced God’s blessings in the midst of suffering

Joseph recognized God’s presence and blessing under Potiphar and the prison warden (39:2, 21). When Pharaoh released him from prison and promoted him, he said God made him forget his troubles and his father’s household, and made him fruitful in this land of suffering (41:51-52). He didn’t whitewash his difficulties, but he embraced God’s blessings in the midst of hardships.

Joseph restored relationship with repentant betrayers

When Joseph’s older brothers came to buy grain from him during a famine more than two decades after betraying him, they didn’t recognize him. This allowed him to test whether they had changed, for forgiving doesn’t require restoring relationship with those who have intentionally wronged us and remain unrepentant.

Joseph told them to bring his younger brother, Benjamin—his father’s favorite after Joseph—upon their return. When they did, he served a meal during which he watched the brothers when he gave Benjamin five times the food he gave the rest. He then arranged matters so the older brothers would think Benjamin had stolen a silver cup and they could therefore legitimately abandon Benjamin to slavery, just as they had abandoned Joseph so many years before. Their responses showed Joseph two things:

  • The brothers admitted their sin. Joseph overheard his brothers’ regrets over sinning against Joseph and their admissions that they deserved punishment (42:21-23).
  • The brothers had changed. The brothers didn’t respond jealously when he showed Benjamin favor (43:34). All the brothers tore their clothes in anguish when the silver cup was found in Benjamin’s possession, rather than gloating over his fall (44:13). Judah offered to take Benjamin’s place as Joseph’s slave (44:33), proving they had no intention of abandoning the youngest.

Satisfied, Joseph revealed himself and offered not just restored relationship, but provision (45:9-11).

Joseph recognized that God used the betrayals for good

Joseph’s understanding of the good God had brought through his sufferings was so ingrained in him that immediately upon revealing himself he was able to tell his brothers not to be angry with themselves over what they had done to him, for God had used it to save lives (Genesis 45:4). It is here that his faith in God’s hand in his life is most poignantly portrayed, for he shows not a hint of bitterness. Yes, God had allowed him to suffer, but God had worked all for good.

Joseph forgave his brothers

Joseph’s faith in God’s working all the events of his life for good enabled him to fully forgive his brothers. After their father, Jacob, died the brothers feared Joseph’s wrath and offered themselves as slaves. Joseph’s speech to his brothers demonstrated five foundations for forgiveness:

  • Don’t be afraid—Joseph offered mercy and assured them he would not enslave them as they deserved.
  • Am I in the place of God?—Joseph refused personal vengeance, for he knew only God can avenge wrongs (Romans 12:19). Indeed, only God can justly avenge for only God sees the heart.
  • You intended to harm me—Joseph forgave without minimizing or excusing. True forgiveness forgives actual wrongs without excusing them as being less serious than they are. He didn’t base his forgiveness on a false assumption of ignorance or weakness; rather, he forgave intentional sin.
  • God intended it for good— Forgiveness requires faith that God can and will work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Joseph believed God intended his sufferings for good, and he helped his brothers see that God worked their failings for good.
  • I will provide for you—Joseph offered grace by extending undeserved blessings.

Triumphing over betrayal requires faith in God’s power and love: He can and will work all things for our good.

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. ~Genesis 50:19-21

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For more on the life of Joseph, see The Story lesson 3.