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The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness

What’s the ultimate reason behind unforgiveness? Part 5 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Forgiving without excusing is hard, so hard it sometimes seems unforgiveness won’t ever let go.

When I stopped excusing my mother’s actions as based on ignorance and inability to help herself, I had to learn something new: forgiving without excusing. I made good progress when I prayed in ways that bolstered faith in God’s promises and good care. The anger eased significantly. But it still sometimes flared unexpectedly.

Unforgiveness & a Cry for Help

Then one day it erupted in a way that scared me. I was driving my pale blue Toyota Corolla to work as the sun was just rising, when I spied a girl in a steel blue school uniform skipping gaily, two perfect dark braids bouncing on her carefully pressed short-sleeved shirt.

Her mother loves her, I thought. And then, I hate her!

In that moment I feared what I would become if I didn’t forgive my mother: filled with hatred and jealousy towards those who had what I wanted, even if they hadn’t wronged me. My stomach churned as I realized I had it in me to be like her. In my pride, I hadn’t thought that possible. Though I might never hurt a child as she did, if I harbored hatred I would be like her.

Suddenly, I wondered when she first chose not to forgive. Had she stood at the same crossroads, but made the easier choice and let bitterness seep in, not knowing it would spread and finally rule?

I clenched the steering wheel in desperation. “God, I don’t want to become like my mother. Help me forgive!”

Unforgiveness & a Cry for Justice

Unforgiveness finds Justice in the Crucifixion

The Crucifixion (Rembrandt [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

I considered how Jesus compared forgiving sin to forgiving a debt, and thought perhaps if I prayed aloud to release her from her debt—for God not to punish her for her sins—that might equal forgiveness even if my emotions dallied.

“God, I want you not to punish—” Do I? “No! That’s not what I want! I want Justice!”

And then I understood. More quietly I finished, “But I also want to be forgiven.” I paused as I remembered my ugliest sins.

I turned onto the freeway. Ahead, the morning sun had risen above the horizon. “God, I know my many sins against you far outweigh hers against me. So I pray that you draw my mother to know you, and if she receives Jesus as her Savior, then Justice will be done by his shed blood. And if she rejects Jesus, then Justice will be done when her sins are held against her. I forgive her as I want to be forgiven, and leave her in your hands.”

At that moment I knew it wasn’t mine to determine whether my mother received eternal forgiveness. That was between her and God. It wasn’t even mine to know to what degree my mother’s actions were intentional: Only God sees the heart.

In my heart, mercy had triumphed over judgment.

Peace washed up and through me. Yes, Justice would be done. I was humbled by the glimpse of the depths to which I could fall without God’s grace. And I was no longer angry. I truly wanted God to give my mother the same grace I wanted him to give me.

Unforgiveness Stripped Away

That was many years ago. Neither the jealousy nor the rage returned. As new affronts came—whether from her or others—the lessons learned through forgiving my mother helped me continue to forgive without excusing.

How Excusing Sin Leads to Unforgiveness

In time I understood how excusing sin actually produced the pride that prevented forgiving. I had initially excused my mother’s wrongs by telling myself she didn’t know better; after all, no sane person would purposefully and knowingly harm children. Thus, my siblings and I were safe from repeating her actions because we knew better. We were better than she because we had superior knowledge.

When my false belief that she didn’t know better collapsed, its sister belief changed slightly: “My siblings and I and most people I know would never purposefully and knowingly harm children.” Now, we were better than she innately.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn & why unforgiveness is unwarranted

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (by Verhoeff, Bert / Anefo [CC BY-SA 3.0 nl (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/nl/deed.en)], via Wikimedia Commons)

And that was the pride blocking forgiveness: this subconscious sense that I was somehow better than she and therefore more deserving of mercy. When I wasn’t.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who suffered eight years in a Soviet gulag, asked this about those who committed genocide:

Where did this wolf-tribe appear from among our people? Does it really stem from our own roots? Our own blood?

It is our own.

And just so we don’t go around flaunting too proudly the white mantle of the just, let everyone ask himself: “If my life had turned out differently, might I myself not have become just such an executioner?”

It is a dreadful question if one answers it honestly.[i]

If I answer honestly, then I know that if my life had turned out differently (especially if I hadn’t come to Christ), I could have murdered or abused or terrorized or done any number of things I’ve escaped. I could have been like my mother. Because I’m not innately better. And therefore not more deserving of mercy.

We can Choose to Forgive

We can choose to forgive because forgiving is about more than one relationship with an offender: It’s about future relationships; about healing us; and about participating in divine Justice and Mercy.

The ultimate reason behind unforgiveness Click To Tweet How excusing sin leads to unforgiveness Click To Tweet

[i] Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago, 73.

Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
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How Confessing and Forgiving are Inseparable

To forgive, combine confessing and forgiving as Jesus taught. Part 3 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Jesus said something astonishing in the Lord’s Prayer about confessing and forgiving. He said we should pray,

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Matthew 6:12

In so doing, he linked confessing and forgiving. He followed up with this:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14–15

New Testament scholar D. A. Carson says, “There is no forgiveness for the one who does not forgive. How could it be otherwise? His unforgiving spirit bears strong witness to the fact that he has never repented” (Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and His Confrontation with the World, 75).

Confessing and forgiving in "Return of the Prodigal Son"

A wayward son finds forgiveness and his father’s embrace in “Return of the Prodigal Son” by Rembrandt Harmensz van Rijn (circa 1668)

Confessing and forgiving are strongly connected. True repentance is the necessary path to true forgiveness, for those who haven’t honestly and deeply repented of their own sins lack the capacity to forgive others.

Previously

In my last two posts, I discussed what forgiving isn’t and said that the first step towards forgiving is committing to forgive. I began the story of how I realized that I had been excusing my mother’s sin by saying, “I forgive her because she doesn’t know better.” When the fact that she had known better bowled over my excuses, I felt betrayed. Rage overcame me. Instead of excusing sin, I needed to do the much harder job of forgiving sin.

Confessing and Forgiving Come Before Confronting

When we’ve committed to forgive, the next step is not confronting those who’ve sinned against us in the hope they’ll apologize and make forgiving easier. Tim Keller explains why: “Only if you first seek inner forgiveness will your confrontation be temperate, wise, and gracious. Only when you have lost the need to see the other person hurt will you have any chance of actually bringing about change, reconciliation, and healing” (The Reason for God, 197). Yes, Jesus said to talk to Christians who’ve sinned against us (Matthew 18), but we must forgive first.

The next step is to pray to forgive in the way Jesus taught: “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). The prayer’s order is essential: confessing and forgiving.

Confessing and Forgiving: “Forgive Us our Debts”

When I need to forgive someone, I begin by confessing my own sins. This reminds me of the grace I need and thus prepares my heart to offer grace. Without regular confession, pride slithers in, and pride doesn’t forgive.

1) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Recent Sins

I ask the Holy Spirit to reveal my sins, and then I allow my mind to skim over the events of the last day or so. If anything causes a twitch in my conscience, then I stop and ask the Holy Spirit to show me if I’ve done wrong. I ask him to remind me of verses that might apply.

If I’ve sinned, then I name the sin and confess it to my heavenly Father along with a Scripture that applies: “Father, I took up a reproach against Kathy. But Psalm 15 says those who draw near to you must not take up a reproach against a friend. I confess this was wrong and I ask for your forgiveness.”

It’s important to name the sin so I don’t treat it lightly.

2) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Similar Sins

Jesus taught confessing and forgiving

The Hundred Guilder Print, by Rembrandt

Next I ask the Holy Spirit to show me if I’ve ever committed the same sin I’m about to forgive. Most often I have. If not, I look for similar sins.

With my mother, some offenses I had surely repeated, but no, I’d never committed some of the worse offenses. I had, however, intentionally hurt others. One example rushed to mind: at twelve I lied to my friend Kathy’s mother to get her in trouble.

Initially, I wanted to excuse this because I was retaliating. She had told our schoolmates that she had seen my mother hitting my head as I tried to get out the door on the way to school. She told them that there must be something terribly wrong about me for my mother to hate me like that. I was furious and wanted to pay her back by proving her mother hated her too. Was that a good excuse? No. God judges us by how we judge others, not how we judge ourselves. I had intentionally tried to hurt someone. I needed grace, and I needed to give it.

Besides, retaliation is itself a sin. Kathy may have hurt me unintentionally when she gossiped (at twelve, she may not have known her words would wound). But I believed it wrong; when I retaliated, I did what I believed was wrong. That’s always sin:

For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things.
Romans 2:1

3) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal Associated Sins

I ask the Holy Spirit if I have sinned in any way that is associated with the sin of the person I want to forgive. For instance, if there was a disagreement, did I misspeak in any way? If so, I need to not only confess that to God, but I need to apologize to the person for my part in the difficulty, no matter how small.

In the case of my mother, at the moment I discovered she had known her actions were wrong I hadn’t reacted in any sinful way. But something was nagging me about Kathy. I remembered that when my mother saw Kathy watching her, she ducked behind the kitchen cabinets. I had realized then that she knew her actions were wrong. There was another time, too, when a security guard threatened to call the police if he ever saw her speed around hairpin mountain roads with us in the back of the car again: she turned red and hung her head in shame.

Speaking Truth in the Heart

In my heart, I had known she wronged us intentionally. Why then had I grabbed so quickly to my teacher’s explanation that abusive parents were either ignorant or abused? Besides, it didn’t even make sense biblically. Jealousy drove Cain to kill Abel, not ignorance or wrongful hurts. My teacher was wrong: ignorance and hurt aren’t the only reasons people hurt others; we can, like Cain, choose sin.

I’d lied to myself and to God. Why? Partly because I held the false belief that thinking bad things about people made me a horrible person. But also because I believed good Christians forgive and good Christians aren’t filled with rage. Clinging to the lie pushed the anger underground and let me believe I was a good Christian doing the right thing.

I confessed my lie and the presence of anger and rage I knew shouldn’t be there.

My prayers changed that day: I started examining my emotions as I prayed so I could be utterly honest about what was inside me. Such honest prayer was humbling: it forced me to admit I’d thought too highly of myself.

Confessing and Forgiving: “As We Forgive our Debtors”

When I’ve confessed my sins, I pray, “Forgive me my sins as I forgive those who sin against me.” Then in prayer I move to forgive those who’ve sinned against me.

1) Ask the Holy Spirit to Reveal the Truth about What I’m Forgiving

Rather than brushing all sin under the carpet of unintentional, I now try to understand whether the evidence supports intentional or unintentional sin. Because “Love … believes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7), I give the person the benefit of the doubt based on the actual evidence. I refuse to judge hidden motives:

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts
1 Corinthians 4:5

This helps me forgive what actually happened. Forgiving something that didn’t happen isn’t true forgiving. Scripture calls sin a debt, and we can err on both sides of the debt equation. If someone owes me $1,000 dollars and I accuse her of owing me $10,000, then I will have a difficult time forgiving because doing so demands that I hold to a fantasy of having been wronged more than I have. On the other hand, If someone owes me $1,000 and I offer forgiveness for $100, the hundred is easier to forgive, but it requires I hold to the lie that the other $900 wasn’t taken.

Christ preaching on confessing and forgiving

Christ Preaching (La Petite Tombe), by Rembrandt

Either way, the truth has a way of poking through lies.

Those who wish to dwell with God must speak truth in their hearts (Psalm 15:2). If what we’re forgiving is unintentional sin, then we must forgive it as such. If we’re forgiving intentional, even malicious, sin, as much as it hurts, we must acknowledge it.

2) Name the Person and the Sin

When in prayer I forgive someone, I name the person and the sin:

  • “God, I forgive Kathy for gossiping about me”
  • “I forgive my mother for driving at high speeds around hairpin turns while drunk with us in the backseat”

Naming people individually keeps me from letting this be a flippant exercise rather than part of worship. Naming the sin ensures that what I’m forgiving is an actual sin. If I cannot name the sin according to what it’s called in the Bible, then I confess that I have held something against someone that was not a sin and ask the Holy Spirit to show me why I’ve done so. Naming the actual sin often leads to meditation on why God calls that action sin. It also leads me to the next prayer part.

Confessing and Forgiving: Ask God to Forgive Me as I Forgive

I then ask God to forgive me as I forgive this person: “I forgive my mother as I want you to forgive me; I give her the grace you’ve given me.”

This prayer does not mean forgiving others causes God to forgive me, as if I must pay for forgiveness (a paltry payment indeed, compared to what really bought my forgiveness). Rather, it reminds me of what my Lord wants me to do so I may do it at once.

***

In most cases, confessing and forgiving as I’ve outlined here is all I need do. But if I’ve suffered a great loss, I must pray three more prayers.

Confessing and forgiving are linked because true forgiving requires true repentance Click To Tweet
Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
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Must I Forgive THIS Sin?

The first step towards forgiving is committing to forgive, but to do that, I need to know: must I forgive this offense? Part 2 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

In my last post on What Forgiving Isn’t, I shared six substitutes that masquerade as forgiving, but which merely manage emotions for a time. Forgiving deliberate sins that cause significant hurt and loss can be difficult, but it’s possible with the Holy Spirit’s help.

My first real struggle with forgiving came in my twenties with the sudden revelation that my mother had known her hatred and mistreatment were wrong. For years I had prayed, “I forgive her because she doesn’t know better.” I thought I had forgiven her because this prayer immediately eased the anger and hurt. But the revelation that she knew better crashed into the fence of excuses I’d used to corral my emotions, and now anger, hurt, jealousy, and rage galloped over me like wild horses.

I tried telling God, “I forgive her,” but the tumultuous emotions wouldn’t go away. I wondered if it were possible to forgive and still be angry.

The first step towards forgiving when forgiving is hard is making a commitment to forgive. But before we can make such a commitment, we need to know if we need to forgive.

Must I Forgive If I’ve tried But I’m Still Angry?

I truly thought I’d forgiven. But had I? Was saying “I forgive” enough?

I looked at Scriptures about anger. Ephesians 4:31 said, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Truth be told, I was filled with rage and anger, possibly even bitterness and malice. I tried to get rid of it by emotionally thrusting it away, but it wouldn’t go.

Must I forgive? Ephesians says yes

Ephesians 4:32

I read the next verse: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” It was easy to be compassionate when I thought she didn’t know better, but how was I to be compassionate towards someone who had intentionally wronged my siblings and me? Yet this verse juxtaposed compassion and forgiving with rage and anger. It didn’t look like I could claim I’d forgiven.

Besides, a few verses earlier said, “’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (v. 26). This anger had built up over years.

While it’s true that it takes time for emotions to calm after a loss, the level of anger made me sure I hadn’t yet forgiven from the heart.

A thought occurred to me and I asked God, Must I forgive? I looked at different situations.

Must I Forgive What the Bible Doesn’t Call Sin?

No, the presence of hurt or anger doesn’t necessarily mean someone has sinned against me. If something’s not sinful, I need to overlook it. For example, I might not like it that two of my girlfriends had lunch without me, but they didn’t sin.

We should also pray for the Holy Spirit to show us why we’re offended over something not wrong; it might be that what’s wrong is in us rather than the other person: impatience, pride, poor planning skills. For instance, if I’m bothered that a friend corrected me, I probably should confess pride and pray for the wisdom to take correction graciously: “Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8).

Must I Forgive Unintentional Sin?

Jesus taught that unintentional sins are lesser sins than intentional sins: “And that servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more” (Luke 12:47-48).

So unintentional sins—sins of ignorance and sins of weakness—are still sins, and yes, we must forgive them, not excuse or ignore them.

Must I Forgive Repeated Sin?

“But he’s done it over and over again! He says he’s sorry, but he’s not changing so how I can I believe him?” Many spouses bring this one up.

Mk11_25They’re in good company. After Jesus taught about restoring a believer who has sinned against you, Peter went to Jesus and asked how often he had to forgive: “Seven times?” Jesus answered, “Seventy-seven!” Then he told the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. The bottom line is that if we’re grateful for the mercy God has shown us, then we must show mercy to others because the debt we owe God far exceeds the debt others owe us (Matthew 18:21–35).

Besides, how many of us haven’t repeated the same sins we’ve confessed many times before? If we want God’s mercy, others must have ours.

Must I Forgive Deliberate Sin?

Yes. Jesus never said to forgive only unintentional sins. He said, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

Must I Forgive Unrepentant Sin?

My mother wasn’t repentant. In fact, she still threw verbal darts. Did I need to forgive her?

I searched my Bible for the answer. Although a couple passages talked about forgiving the repentant, others spoke about forgiving all sin: “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too” (Mark 11:25). It seemed that even if we ended relationship with someone unrepentant, we must still forgive in some sense. I didn’t know in what sense yet.

But I did know I had to get rid of the bitterness and anger, and forgiving seemed the only way.

Out of sheer obedience, I prayed, “Father, I forgive her.” The anger remained, but I knew my willingness pleased God. I committed to finding a way to forgive, trusting that the God who made me willing to change would also make me able (Philippians 2:13).

The first step towards forgiving is committing to forgive Click To Tweet Must I forgive? Six situations examined. Click To Tweet
Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
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What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving

Forgiving isn’t always what we think it is. Part 1 of “Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions.”

Forgiving isn’t managing emotions. Most Christians know Jesus taught that we must forgive. But when anger and hurt linger, we sometimes turn to forgiveness substitutes that merely manage our emotions—and not all that well.

Here are five stand-ins that masquerade as forgiveness.

Forgiving Isn’t Pretending

One of my most vivid, recurring nightmares was about me lying in my bed as a man and woman quietly opened the door to my bedroom to see if I were asleep. In the nightmare, I watched them through nearly closed eyes as I pretended to sleep, repeating over and over again in my head, “I’ve got to pretend I didn’t hear or they’ll kill me; I’ve got to pretend I don’t remember or they’ll kill me.”

Our childhood home was violent. Pretending nothing happened was required.

But pretending nothing happened isn’t forgiving because forgiving is always based on truth.

When I started dating Clay, I brought the habit of pretending into our relationship. He’d ask if something were wrong and I’d respond, “No, everything is fine.” I thought telling myself everything was fine and making myself believe everything was fine was the same as being fine. Clay never let it pass and always probed. I’d be surprised at the anger that would come out when I tried to talk about things: obviously, everything wasn’t fine.

God wants us to speak truth in our heart (Psalm 15:2, 51:6). Pretending nothing is wrong is not only a lie, it’s a form of holding a grudge. Pretending’s purpose is to make others think you’ve forgotten or forgiven when you haven’t.

Forgiving isn't pretending nothing happened or nothing is wrong Click To Tweet

Forgiving Isn’t Forgetting

As with many authors, movies often play in my head. Years ago I was with a group of ministry leaders when a woman spoke up about her struggles with forgiving an abusive mother. She said, “Maybe I just need to forget.”

Immediately in my mind’s eye I saw a raincoat-clad girl begin to climb down from a boat’s deck as the boat swayed gently in a calm sea. She reached the lower deck and entered a tidy, brightly colored room with yellow walls and a painting of a red boat on a calm, blue sea. On the back wall a dark brown curtain covered a closet. The girl went to retrieve something near the closet.

Suddenly the tip of what looked like an octopus tentacle reached out from beneath the curtain and grabbed her ankle. The girl struggled, but quickly broke loose, overturning a chair as she escaped. However, the tentacle—surely a sea monster’s arm—thrashed around, toppling more furniture and knocking the painting askew before retreating behind the curtain.

Forgiving isn't easy

Jesus said we must forgive

That, I thought, is exactly what happens when you try to forget. Life seems calm and tidy, until something happens that brings you too close to the sea monster memory you’re avoiding. That memory disrupts everything.

Shoving Out of Mind Doesn’t Work

I was skilled at shoving things out of my mind. Perhaps it was because our father claimed he could read our minds and would punish us if he found we were thinking anything bad about him. I believed him. At a hair’s-breadth notice, my mind would blank out every negative experience.

In my twenties, another occurrence of my father’s rage triggered an onslaught of memories and all those shoved-down emotions came roaring back with more intensity than I thought possible.

Doesn’t God Forget Sins?

Sometimes I hear someone say that God forgets when he forgives and so should we. God doesn’t give up his omniscience such that every time a pastor preaches on David and Bathsheba, he declares, “What? I didn’t know David sinned!” In the Bible, when God says he’ll “remember” someone’s sins against him, he means he’ll punish them, and when he says he’ll “forget,” he means he will no longer punish. God knows the depth of what he forgives.

Shoving things out of your mind and trying to forget is merely an ineffective way to manage emotions: ineffective because life will trigger memories along with the accompanying emotions now multiplied.

Forgiving is neither forgetting nor shoving memories out of mind Click To Tweet

Forgiving Isn’t Taking the Blame

Victimizers blame their victims. Unless they repent and turn to Christ for forgiveness, how else can they live with their conscience?

I’ve accepted blame I shouldn’t have; I’ve jumped in with a “That’s my fault” plenty of times when it wasn’t true. Sometimes it was because I mistakenly thought something good or neutral to be bad. But other times I was simply hoping to be liked or looking for the easiest way out of conflict.

Jesus paid the price for our sins; he didn’t say he caused them. We can forgive without taking blame that isn’t ours. Knowingly accepting blame we don’t own is deception, not forgiveness. It’s a sign of being a people-pleaser rather than a God-pleaser.

Forgiving Isn’t Taking Revenge

On the other side, I’ve also given blame I should have owned, justifying cutting words because the other person was “more” wrong or was the first to do wrong. This makes forgiving harder because it requires the other person to take more blame than he or she is due, and most people refuse. Besides, God won’t let anyone truly walking with him get away with such nonsense for long.

It may feel like getting back at someone will make you feel better so you can “forgive,” but it won’t. Revenge escalates matters. Revenge—whether responding tit-for-tat, unleashing anger, or back-biting—exacts payment in place of forgiving. It’s also sin (Rom. 12:19, Col. 3:8).

Forgiving Isn’t Excusing

In my pre-teens and teens, I struggled with anger, particularly towards my mother. I longed to know why she hated me. My mom said it was because I’d ruined her life; my dad said it was because he wanted to hurt her so he told her I was smarter than she. Both answers hurt and I wanted something else: an answer that made neither my mom nor me bad people.

At about fifteen, I read the New Testament. I became a Christian in the middle of the Gospel of John. I read what Jesus said about forgiving, so I prayed, “I forgive,” over every hurt that happened.

At sixteen, I took a psychology class. The nice, graying teacher soothingly said that abusive parents were either abused themselves or just didn’t know better. I finally had an answer. I knew my grandparents weren’t abusive (my aunts have since confirmed that), so I hung on to ignorance: it’s easy to forgive someone who doesn’t know better. The anger washed away.

Until nearly a decade later when I sat in her dark living room with my sister and three-year-old nephew. He started whining that he wanted to go home. Both my sister and I jumped to hush him before my mother yelled or hit him.

She stopped us and said, “This house has a rule: No one is to say an unkind word to him.” I jerked back, stunned. She knew better! Jealousy consumed me and I said I had to leave. For years I had corralled all the anger and hurt behind the fence of “She doesn’t know better,” and now that fence had fallen and the emotions galloped out like horses finally freed.

Unintentional sin is much easier to forgive than intentional sin. But telling ourselves that deliberate sin is involuntary just because it makes it easier to forgive isn’t honest. When it comes to intentional wrongs, we must do the much harder job of forgiving without excusing.

What Forgiving Is

So forgiving isn’t pretending, forgetting, taking wrongful blame, taking revenge, or excusing. So what is it then? That topic begins in my next post.

A brief note is due: My father has changed and no longer has bouts of rage. My mother was prone to depression and was an alcoholic. I believe that before she died, she had deep regrets over many things.

Forgiving isn't excusing Click To Tweet When it comes to intentional wrongs, we must do the hard job of forgiving w/o excusing Click To Tweet Are you forgiving or merely managing emotions? Click To Tweet
Forgive Intentional Sin—Don’t Just Manage Emotions | In this series: 
  1. What Forgiving Isn’t: 5 Stand-ins that Masquerade as Forgiving
  2. Must I Forgive THIS Sin?
  3. What Makes Confessing and Forgiving Inseparable
  4. Four Sins that Require Faith to Forgive
  5. The Ultimate Reason Behind Unforgiveness
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Learning from Betrayal

A young woman recently asked about betrayal:

Learning from betrayalAfter praying and fasting, I clearly felt God’s blessing on a dating relationship. But when we were about to get engaged a year later, he confessed the marriage would be a cover for his active gay lifestyle. How does one get past God letting us think he’s leading us toward something with special blessing, when He’s actually intending something completely different, knowing it’ll cause us pain? I feel God betrayed me. [1]

 

I am so sorry for the pain this man’s betrayal caused. To discover someone we trusted and thought we knew has deceived us is quite a shock, and it’s natural to begin to doubt others’ honesty and intentions when struck like this.

I’m thankful you’re searching for answers. It will take time before you know fully what good God intends to work through this; indeed, you may not know all in this lifetime. In the meantime, immerse yourself in Scriptures. There you’ll see how others handled betrayal, including Jesus, Joseph, David, the patriarchs, and the apostles. You’ll also grow in understanding God and the big picture of what he is doing in this world.

Although there are numerous examples in the Bible of godly people who prayed and yet had life turn out differently than expected, I find Jeremiah the most helpful because of his candor as he worked through his feelings. During a time I dealt with a betrayal, I read Jeremiah repeatedly, finding comfort in knowing my experience was not unique, assurance that betrayal by people does not equal betrayal by God, and hope in God’s power to work great good through suffering.

Here are some of the things God worked in Jeremiah’s life through suffering and betrayal. You may discover God works some of these in your life as well.

God teaches us to discern his voice better

Jeremiah learning from betrayal

“The Prophet Jeremiah” from the Sistine Chapel, by Michelangelo (public domain)

When God first called Jeremiah to be a prophet and gave Jeremiah a message of pending destruction if Judah did not repent, Jeremiah was confused and asked God why he had been deceiving the people by telling them through other prophets that all was going to be well with Judah (Jer. 4:10). God explained the prophets Jeremiah had been listening to had spoken falsely in his name: he had not given them the words of peace and assurance they proclaimed and which merely fit what the people wanted to hear (Jer. 5:12, 31). What Jeremiah had been told were God’s words were not, and God helped him grow in discerning what was from God and what wasn’t.

Even those without the incredible prophetic giftedness of Jeremiah can grow in discerning God’s guidance better. When I was a young Christian, some of the teaching I heard about how to discern God’s will and voice turned out to be wrong, and part of the way I discovered that was through having situations turn out differently than I expected. Since God does not lie, I knew my understanding was mistaken so I sought guidance in Scripture and from God, and I grew, just as Jeremiah did and just as you will.

God teaches us wisdom

One of the ways we become wise and grow in the knowledge of good and evil is by living through the effects of both good and evil. Sometimes when we pray for wisdom, God grants that request by allowing us to go through eye-opening experiences.

As God continued his first message to Jeremiah, Jeremiah cried out in anguish because he did not think his fellow Israelites deserved punishment. God assured him if he could find one honest person in Jerusalem, he would forgive the city (Jer. 5:1). Though Jeremiah searched, he found no one.

Even so, it was years before he understood what God meant by cordial words hiding what is hidden in the heart (Jer. 9:8). Jeremiah did not understand the depths of the depravity around him until his prophetic words tested people’s hearts and he saw their ways with his own eyes (Jer. 6:27, 11:19).

God teaches us discernment about people

Despite God’s warning to Jeremiah not to trust the people around him (Jer. 9:4-6), Jeremiah found it hard not to. When he discovered a plot against his life, his anger burst out not only against his betrayers (Jer. 11:18-20), but against God (Jer. 12:1-4). God exhorted Jeremiah to continue his work, to remember his warnings about whom not to trust, and to trust him for justice (Jer. 12:5-7). Over the 40 years that Jeremiah prophesied, he grew in discerning the wicked (Jehoiakim), the weak (Zedekiah), and the godly (Josiah and Ebed-Melech). He also learned that God was with him even when people betrayed him.

I was betrayed once by a church leader. I had seen warning signs, but wrote them off, naively thinking someone lacking spiritual maturity wouldn’t be in leadership, and that because God loves truth no one would believe the falsehoods going around anyway (I initially thought them correctable mistakes and only later learned they were intentional lies). I learned discernment the hard way. But I also learned God was with me and was teaching me important lessons. God promises to work all things for your good, and you will learn and grow through this too.

God exposes wolves in sheep’s clothing

Early in Jeremiah’s ministry, people didn’t know which prophets to believe, a situation that greatly displeased God. After Jeremiah had prophesied about three decades, the prophet Hananiah came out strongly against him, making it plain that both could not be true prophets (Jer. 28). When Jeremiah pronounced God’s judgment of death on Hananiah for making people trust a lie and Hananiah did die, God exposed the false and true prophets. Godly people knew whom to trust, while the ungodly chalked Jeremiah’s words up to coincidence.

As painful as your situation is, the deception came out before a marriage would make it even more painful. God granted wisdom and exposed a sham. Hopefully this exposure will prevent the man from hurting others.

God strengthens us

When God called Jeremiah to be a prophet, Jeremiah protested that he was a child who didn’t know how to speak. God promised to make him into a bronze wall (Jer. 1:6, 18) that could withstand the attacks of the priests, kings, and people who would fight against him. Apparently, Jeremiah thought this meant he wouldn’t feel the pain of the attacks. When the persecution increased, Jeremiah cried out over his pain and asked if God had deceived him (15:18).

But God had not promised Jeremiah a pain-free ministry. Part of the reason God punishes those who act evilly is that they inflict unjust pain on others. In this instance, God rebuked Jeremiah, called him to repent of his worthless words, and reminded him of his promise to make him a bronze wall that could not be prevailed against (Jer. 15:19-20). Jeremiah had received evidence enough of God’s faithfulness and promises to deserve the rebuke, and he repented.

God did indeed make him into a bronze wall, but not by making him insensitive to pain; rather, he taught him to trust in God’s faithfulness and to endure despite hardship.

God comforts so we can comfort others

Jeremiah suffered insults, mocking, death threats, imprisonments, and beatings. Sorrow at times overwhelmed him (Jer. 5:18). But God cared deeply about Jeremiah’s pain, and he cares about your pain too.

Jeremiah grew spiritually as he saw God’s faithfulness amidst human unfaithfulness, and he came to trust God fully. When his prophecies about the fall of Jerusalem came to pass, he responded not with smugness, but with compassion. He knew by then that the pain of exile was the only way the wayward Hebrews could have hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). He tenderly ministered to the distressed people around him through Lamentations, passing the comfort God gave him on to others (2Co. 1:4).

Through the pain and sorrow, here’s what Jeremiah had learned:

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentations 3:32-33

Draw close to the God of all comfort. I’m praying for you.

  1. [1]The question is edited for brevity and anonymity.↩
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Joseph: Triumph Over Betrayal

Painting of 'La Tunica de Jose'
‘La Tunica de Jose’ by Jose Vergara Gimeno (1726-1799), collection of Joan J. Gavara (Valencia)

Most of us have been betrayed. Perhaps we were abused as a child, abandoned by a spouse, falsely accused, denied what was promised, lured into trusting the untrustworthy, or deceived into commitment. Betrayal struck Joseph the son of Jacob more than once.

Joseph’s ten older brothers were jealous that their father favored Joseph and sold him into slavery when he was seventeen. He served his slave master Potiphar faithfully, but Potiphar jailed him after hearing a false accusation. An inmate he’d aided forgot his promise to help clear his name, leaving Joseph imprisoned until he was thirty.

Yet Joseph triumphed over these betrayals. How did he do it?

Joseph stayed faithful to God

Joseph lived and spoke in such a way that his faith in God was obvious and caused his new master, Potiphar, to believe Joseph’s successes were God-given (Genesis 39:3). Rather than seeing his hardships as justification for abandoning God, when Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him, Joseph rebuffed her, saying, “How could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” (39:9). In prison and before Pharaoh, Joseph made his faith and trust in God known (40:8, 41:16).

Joseph served faithfully wherever he was

Instead of allowing injustices to poison his attitude, Joseph served Potiphar and the prison warden faithfully and fully. Both promoted him to their most trusted positions (39:4, 22). His faithfulness in low positions developed character as well as administrative and leadership skills he later needed as Pharaoh’s second-in-command.

Joseph embraced God’s blessings in the midst of suffering

Joseph recognized God’s presence and blessing under Potiphar and the prison warden (39:2, 21). When Pharaoh released him from prison and promoted him, he said God made him forget his troubles and his father’s household, and made him fruitful in this land of suffering (41:51-52). He didn’t whitewash his difficulties, but he embraced God’s blessings in the midst of hardships.

Joseph restored relationship with repentant betrayers

When Joseph’s older brothers came to buy grain from him during a famine more than two decades after betraying him, they didn’t recognize him. This allowed him to test whether they had changed, for forgiving doesn’t require restoring relationship with those who have intentionally wronged us and remain unrepentant.

Joseph told them to bring his younger brother, Benjamin—his father’s favorite after Joseph—upon their return. When they did, he served a meal during which he watched the brothers when he gave Benjamin five times the food he gave the rest. He then arranged matters so the older brothers would think Benjamin had stolen a silver cup and they could therefore legitimately abandon Benjamin to slavery, just as they had abandoned Joseph so many years before. Their responses showed Joseph two things:

  • The brothers admitted their sin. Joseph overheard his brothers’ regrets over sinning against Joseph and their admissions that they deserved punishment (42:21-23).
  • The brothers had changed. The brothers didn’t respond jealously when he showed Benjamin favor (43:34). All the brothers tore their clothes in anguish when the silver cup was found in Benjamin’s possession, rather than gloating over his fall (44:13). Judah offered to take Benjamin’s place as Joseph’s slave (44:33), proving they had no intention of abandoning the youngest.

Satisfied, Joseph revealed himself and offered not just restored relationship, but provision (45:9-11).

Joseph recognized that God used the betrayals for good

Joseph’s understanding of the good God had brought through his sufferings was so ingrained in him that immediately upon revealing himself he was able to tell his brothers not to be angry with themselves over what they had done to him, for God had used it to save lives (Genesis 45:4). It is here that his faith in God’s hand in his life is most poignantly portrayed, for he shows not a hint of bitterness. Yes, God had allowed him to suffer, but God had worked all for good.

Joseph forgave his brothers

Joseph’s faith in God’s working all the events of his life for good enabled him to fully forgive his brothers. After their father, Jacob, died the brothers feared Joseph’s wrath and offered themselves as slaves. Joseph’s speech to his brothers demonstrated five foundations for forgiveness:

  • Don’t be afraid—Joseph offered mercy and assured them he would not enslave them as they deserved.
  • Am I in the place of God?—Joseph refused personal vengeance, for he knew only God can avenge wrongs (Romans 12:19). Indeed, only God can justly avenge for only God sees the heart.
  • You intended to harm me—Joseph forgave without minimizing or excusing. True forgiveness forgives actual wrongs without excusing them as being less serious than they are. He didn’t base his forgiveness on a false assumption of ignorance or weakness; rather, he forgave intentional sin.
  • God intended it for good— Forgiveness requires faith that God can and will work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Joseph believed God intended his sufferings for good, and he helped his brothers see that God worked their failings for good.
  • I will provide for you—Joseph offered grace by extending undeserved blessings.

Triumphing over betrayal requires faith in God’s power and love: He can and will work all things for our good.

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. ~Genesis 50:19-21

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For more on the life of Joseph, see The Story lesson 3.

 

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The Sea Monster of Envy

Angry, I marched into my co-worker’s gray cubicle and ducked behind its low wall so I wouldn’t be overheard. “They promoted the less-qualified person just because they promised her before we were hired.”

Painting of sea monter by Justin Sweet

"The Eye of Charon" by Justin Sweet. Copyright Justin Sweet. Used by permission.

Her brows furrowed. “Don’t say that! You don’t know their criteria.”

I winced—she was right.

While it was true that the director had told me I was more technically skilled than the gal he’d promoted and his decision was based partly on the VP’s prior promise to the team’s senior member, he also said that those weren’t the only factors considered. He gave me a promotion and raise (“The technical tract is just as important as the managerial tract,” he said), but that didn’t mollify my disappointment much because, frankly, covetousness had seeped in like brackish water and a swirling green serpent now swam in its depths.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We want something—badly. Perhaps a job promotion we’re sure we’re the best for, or a perfect new something we can’t quite afford, or the shining honor, or the relationship with someone special. We’re sure we deserve it, but someone else gets it instead.

And envy slithers into the cold murky water of craving and lifts its searching eyes.

That’s a problem that needs addressing quickly: “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16).

So how do we conquer the sea monster of Envy before its ravenous jaws devour?

1) Repent

Craving what belongs to someone else is coveting, and God’s finger etched “You shall not covet” onto a stone tablet. Envy is sin too because love doesn’t envy (1Co. 13:4). So every time I feel an envious urge, I ask God to forgive both my covetousness and my envy; I pray for his help; and I ask for deliverance from spiritual enemies eager to use my frailty for discord.

2) Dump the “I Deserve More” Attitude

Since God is the ultimate Boss, I know I deserve nothing he doesn’t give me. (Even what I might “deserve” is due only to gifts he’s given me anyway.) Besides, God tells me not to seek earthly honors, but rather to seek honor from him. Phil. 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” In my situation, that didn’t mean I should consider my new boss’s programming skills better than mine (she wasn’t a programmer), but it did mean I should consider her more worthy of honor. I committed myself to respect, honor, and support her.

3) Submit to God

God could have worked it out for me to get the position, but he didn’t. So I submitted to his will and trusted that he had me where he wanted me to be, and when he wanted me elsewhere, he’d work out the details. He promises that if I seek his kingdom and his righteousness first, he’ll give me everything else I need (Mat. 6:33), so I made those my focus. I did the best job I could, and I looked for ways to further his kingdom.

After all, I work for God. Whether I’m successful doesn’t depend on the world’s standard of elevated position, but whether I’m doing my best for God in whatever position I find myself, even if it’s lowly (2Co. 10). After all, Jesus said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mk. 9:34).

4) Don’t Think Too Highly of Myself

We all know people with unjustifiably high opinions of themselves. In humbling times, it’s good to examine whether we’re following Paul’s command: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment” (Rom. 12:3). While it was true I had better technical skills and a mite bit more management experience, when I thought about it, I realized that didn’t mean I would be better at this job. She definitely had stronger relationships throughout the company, and, well, she took things in stride better than I.

5) Pray for the Success of Those I’ve Envied

When the Babylonians took the Jews captive, Jeremiah told the exiles to pray for the prosperity of their new city, for if it prospered, so would they (Jer. 29:7). What? Pray for the nation whose might they envied despite the fact that the Babylonians were wicked and undeserving? Yes, that’s what God said. I began praying for my new boss to succeed. I quickly learned that praying for the success of someone I’ve envied transforms my attitude.

In fact, while it was important in that secular job, it’s even more important in ministry. God calls each of us to play a part in the big scheme of what he’s doing in the world, and praying for others’ success in what God calls them to do focuses our eyes on God’s kingdom, not our own. After all, that’s our purpose in his kingdom, isn’t it?

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. ~1 Peter 2:1

What helps you dispel envy?

 

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Honest Prayer

honest prayerLike many Christians I’d memorized verses such as “all things work together for good” and “give thanks in all circumstances (Rom 8:28, 1Th 5:18). When bad things happened, I’d quote these verses, thank God for the good He would work, and push away questions. Trying to trust God, I did something akin to closing my eyes, putting my hands over my ears, and saying, “Lalalalalal—just have faith—lalalalalala.”

After a second trimester miscarriage, I dutifully did these things and refused to think about problems. I thought I was fine. I didn’t feel angry at God; actually, I didn’t feel anything towards God. That concerned me, but I dismissed it as emotional exhaustion.

But when I noticed I was often mad over minor matters, I wondered if I were angry with God.

I looked up “anger” in my Bible’s concordance to see how God might respond. I found that He is slow to anger and full of understanding and compassion. I found too that God expects me to be patient and forgiving towards others’ anger, so that must be what He’s like.

I decided that if I were angry with God, He already knew it so I may as well talk to Him about it—not with a raging heart, like the fool in Pr 19:3, but in the same way I might talk to anyone whose actions I didn’t understand but whom I knew dearly loved me.

I headed out to a deserted schoolyard and prayed, “I think I might be mad at you, God.” I listed what bothered me (the things I’d been refusing to think about) and quickly discovered I was mad—really mad.

I admitted everything I was angry about, even the minor things such as, “Now I can’t enjoy a future pregnancy!” I disclosed every fear: “How will I face those church members who think my loss was due to lack of faith?” I asked every question: “How could you let something bad happen when I’m Your child?”

Surprisingly, such honest prayer helped three ways.

First, some issues resolved immediately. No sooner were the words out of my mouth about not being able to enjoy a future pregnancy than I realized the complaint wasn’t valid—irritation over not enjoying something is merely peevish.

More importantly, when I demanded, “Everyone else can have children; why can’t I?” I instantly realized my error. Many women cannot have children; some also have no husband. Ignoring my secret thoughts had kept me believing a lie and thinking God was denying me a right—and that was the basis of my anger.

Second, the fact that some issues resolved immediately gave me hope the others could resolve too. I still hurt, but now I had peace.

Third, the still unresolved questions were now exposed so I could seek answers. Before I had felt as if a craggy, deep red and black mountain had plunged onto the path before me, its height insurmountable and its dark shadow engulfing me. Now I felt as if the mountain were gone. Ahead my path approached a manageable hurdle, then another, then eventually it climbed a small beige hill and in the distance a larger hill behind which the sun shone brightly, lighting my way.

The difference between how I was attempting to trust God before and after may seem subtle, but the effects were significant. Before, I was closing my eyes lest something be exposed that weakened my faith. But while closed eyes can’t see problems, neither can they see God. When I opened my eyes and took questions and problems to God rather than ignoring them, I began to find answers and understand God better. Instead of weakening, my faith in God’s goodness grew. I still quoted verses and trusted God over what I didn’t understand, but out of faith rather than fear. I was searching for understanding “as for hidden treasures,” and was beginning to find it (Pr 2:4-6).

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalms 139:23 

You can read more about contentment with life’s circumstances in my article, Journey of Childlessness, on www.Kyria.com.

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